


Only Your Gentle Hands Can Save Me Now

by mewsifer, SniperMoran



Category: Death Stranding (Video Games)
Genre: Amelie is the worst, Blood, Blood and Gore, Bridges are assholes, Deadman is probably the only good one in Bridges, Drinking, Guts - Freeform, Higgs is also emotional as fuck, Higgs is an angry boy, Higgs is unsure about Lou, Higgs masturbates with his guts, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lou adores Peter, Lou is unsure about Higgs, M/M, Medical Horror, Non-Consensual Touching, Peter adores Lou, Sam Unger??, Sam gets some petty revenge, Teeth, Torture, Woops, besides Sam and Heartman, chiral teeth, chiral teeth being pulled out, forced chiral poisoning, forced drug abuse, how do you summon your water?, non-con elements, playing with guts, sorry peter, teeth pulling, torture as retaliation, touching one's own guts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-19
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:02:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 30,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23206687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mewsifer/pseuds/mewsifer, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SniperMoran/pseuds/SniperMoran
Summary: Higgs has been abandoned on the Beach, Amelie has locked herself away from everyone and the big Game Over  has been pushed back for the time being.That's the end of the story....or is it?Somehow, Bridges gets their claws into Higgs and is able to drag him back from the Beach.What does Bridges have planned for the ex-terrorist everyone believed to be dead and gone?...not even he is prepared to find out.
Relationships: eventual Sam Porter Bridges/Higgs Monaghan, eventual Sam Porter Bridges/Peter Englert
Comments: 66
Kudos: 108





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just a sneaky preview of what's to come - I already lost this twice trying to make the beginning really long, so...  
> I'm stopping it here so that maybe I can actually get more of it done 😅

The End came and went like it was nothing, like it meant nothing.  
Like _he_ meant nothing.  
Amelie granted the fools more time, because she had a soft spot for Sam.  
Fragile granted him an out, in the form of a gun on the Beach.

...but he wasn't ready to die. This wasn't how everything was meant to go.  
It was going to be big, it was going to be grand. The End Times. The big Game Over for everyone, all at once, simultaneously.  
It would have been _beautiful_.

Instead, they carried on with their fucking lives while he rotted on the Beach with that _traitorous bitch_.

How long had it been? Days? Weeks? Years?  
 _Moments_?

He couldn't count the time here, because time didn't exist in the same way on the Beach as it did out in the world. It barely existed at all.

But in some passage of time, the sand opened beneath him and swallowed him up, spitting him out onto the hard ground of—

Coughing up that black tar, Higgs looked around, sucking in desperate breaths of the clean cool air of the real world.  
He was back.  
He was really back.

... _how_ was he really back?  
And why was he in some sort of... big empty room?  
The walls were too white and smelled like fucking bleach and antiseptics. He knew those smells all too well.

"...hello...?"

"We got him! Start the cleansing process, we don't know how high his DOOMs still is." The man in charge ordered. "No chiral matter in the room. Just to be on the safe side. Gotta make sure he's still a repatriate too."

Light blue eyes darted towards the sound of the voice, evidently just coming from a speaker in the goddamn walls.  
Too afraid to share a space with him?

So Bridges had him, then.

"Whatcha gonna do, Bridges? Kill me a little?" Higgs shouted, his voice rough as he coughed up a bit more of that dark tar sludge.  
He'd been on the Beach for far longer than he ever had before...

The fuck is going on?

"Subject is hostile but seems to be weak. We'll need to consult the medical team after we're sure he'll come back." The voice said simply, looking back into the room to see Higgs spewing his guts full of tar. 

"We shouldn't waste a doctor's time if he's not even going to be worth it. For the record, a military personnel is being sent into the room. Subject is going to be shot in the head to test repatriation. Stand by." He announced, sending the man in after turning on the main lights to the room.

"So this how we're playin things then, gentlemen?" Higgs growled, wiping at his mouth, panting a bit.

They weren't wrong.  
He felt weak, drained.  
He'd spent too much time away from living that his body wasn't quite sure how to be... alive?

"'S no fun if you go ahead and tell me how yer gonna do it. Honestly, makes you guys look like amateurs," he teased, despite being out of breath and despite realizing he probably couldn't fight back even if he wanted to.

Maybe, a little part of him, was tired of it all. Just like he'd told Sam...  
But maybe another part of him wondered, too, if he could still come back.

"Game on, Bridges. Hit me with your best shot~"

"Talking for the record, not you." He said simply, watching the Bridges military person pull their gun, aiming for his head. 

"Fire please." 

They watched, hearing the sound of gun fire, watching the man drop to the ground, blood and tar splattering the wall behind him.

"Well at least don-"

A loud bang ricocheted through his skull, an explosion of sorts that fell him through dark cold waters and then he was spluttering on the shores of the Beach. Pushing himself up frantically, he looked around, hand shooting up to touch his head where—  
 _Well shit._  
That was gonna leave a fucking scar...  
Bastards.  
Don't they have any decency? Going for a man's face like that!

Before he could scream for long, out into the wide expanse, he felt himself being pulled back, dragged back to the body that he had been without for so long prior.

Scrambling and gasping for air in that fucking white room - now spattered with his blood and tar - Higgs felt those sticky tears leaving trails down his face right before he curled up on his side to retch.

"F-Fuckin bastard Bridges..." he growled weakly, voice still hoarse.

"Repatriation is still currently achievable. End of test one. Sending in medical team to ensure longevity of the subject. Testing will continue momentarily." The man recorded, sending in more people, just a small team to check vitals, take samples, and administer basic treatment.

Too weak to do more than growl in agitation at the people _touching_ him, taking fuckin blood from him and fixing up the mess he'd made, Higgs was pliable to the Bridges crew. He stayed mostly curled in on himself, wishing he'd stayed on the damn Beach.

_Careful what you wish for, I guess._

"Knew you... fucking Bridges assholes were nothin more than that... if you trusted _Her_ , you could never be the... the _good guys_."

Government was never good, never to be trusted. At least Daddy had always been right about that.

The medical team got him in good enough condition to be tested on again, leaving plenty of food and water in the room for him.

"Subject has been given medical treatment as well as sufficient food and water. He will be given new clothes when deemed necessary. Testing will resume in the morning." The voice readout, turning out the lights, leaving Higgs in the dark. 

"Privately for the record, subject's food and water will be carefully contaminated with chiral matter in increasing intervals once DOOMs level is identified. Testing to expose subject to a BT still has not gained clearance, though I think that may be the best way to test levels."

When the lights went out and that complete darkness settled around him, cold and unfamiliar, a panic settled into Higgs' chest, his heart beginning to race almost immediately.

"P-Please..." he whimpered, curling himself into a ball, his fingers digging into his own scalp.  
Daddy would lock him in dark places when he was bad, when he wasn't learning the lessons he was meant to be learning. When he wasn't being _good_.

But he'd been good!  
Hadn't he been?  
He'd done all they asked, hadn't attacked anyone.

...what were the rules, now?  
Now that he wasn't Amelie's puppet, now that he didn't have Babu, didn't have the demens or his BTs...  
What were the rules to follow? How could he achieve _being good_?

He lay there, curled on the cold ground listening to the echo of that voice still ringing around him — _resume in the morning_. It was night, then.  
Day 1, Night 1.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short little bit, just to keep the ball rolling
> 
> Here's up to Night 2 of testing  
> Let the testing commence —

The lights came back on, bright and unforgiving. "Good morning. Subject appears to have been sleeping, or resting." He noted, looking over the recording through the night. 

"DOOMs levels testing has been suspended for now, instead, the supervisors have decided that medical testing would be far more beneficial. How are you feeling, subject?" He asked, watching the man through the camera.

With a grunt, Higgs pushed himself to sitting up, throwing glares every which direction, not sure where the voice really originated from.  
He couldn't _smell_ things quite like he used too... everything just smelled like the fucking Beach and fucking tar.

"Name's Higgs - I'll thank you to use it," he huffed, getting to his feet, pacing the perimeter of his enclosure.

He felt like a trapped lion - like Mekal. ...poor thing.

"M' feelin trapped, used, like I was fuckin _RIGHT_ about the whole lot of you Bridges jerks. So, probably what you were hoping I felt like," he scanned his gaze along the upper edges of the room, trying to catch any discrepancy that might mean one sided glass or... or anything other than white fuckin walls.  
"How about you? Feelin _good_? High n mighty up in your invisible watch tower, lordin over lil ol me?"

"Subject is irritated as expected and remains hostile." He recorded, writing something down and looking through his papers. 

"Ah! Test M-1 will expose subject to variants of weapons used on BTs and those used by and confiscated from terrorists. Subject will be given time between tests for observation and recovery or repatriation. Is the subject ready?"

"Was I meant to understand a fuckin word of any of that? And does my sayin I ain't ready even matter in this shitshow anyhow?" He asked, carding fingers through his hair, still slightly lighter in color than it had been before being trapped on the Beach.

Weapons used against BTs - aw fuck.

"You don't mean Sammy boy's piss grenades, do you? C'mon! That's fucked up, even for me!"

"Again, speaking to the record, not the subject. Only questions will be directed at the subject." He reminded. 

"Beginning test M1-A. Anti-BT weapons beginning at the lowest level. Subject has, at prior record, been affected with weapons of this variety before. Starting with Ex. Grenade No.1 and moving through to No. 3 before the testing of Hematic rounds."

"It _was_ a fuckin question, shitbag!" Higgs shouted, throwing up a middle finger and waving it around in his agitation. "Asked if I was fuckin ready - how'm I supposed to know if I'm ready if I- What the _fuck_ ever! Fucking Bridges jackasses don't give two-"

Ex. Grenades.  
Sam's piss grenades.  
Great.  
Fuckin peachy.  
Nothin like kicking a man while he's down.

"Fine. Whatever. Bring it on, dick. Give me all you got an' then some!"

"Subject remains hostile. Beginning testing." They set off the grenades in the test room. 

"It appears the weapons, aside from the blast materials, have no affect on the subject. Test moving on to experimental anti-personnel weapons. These are designed to cause harm, both lethal and non-lethal. We will be testing the lethal munitions first." He explained for the record. 

"Oh, this will also test if repatriation is possible if the body is destroyed." He amended before sending in people armed with guns.

Bloodied but unbowed - _cruel irony much?_ \- Higgs held himself proudly as the Bridges idiots walked in with their fancy guns.

Once upon a time, he could have cleared the room of gravity, filled it with tar and stole those weapons away while he watched the idiots drown in their own fluids.

...but he couldn't do that shit anymore.  
He was trying. Calling to Mekal with his mind, moving his hand to try summoning something, _anything_ , from the other side to help him, protect him, to help him out of this mess.

"Right then... have at me," he purred, licking his lips to hide his nerves, the trembling.

Testing continued, the first round a regular bullet that then, once embedded into the flesh, began to release a liquid, chemically cremating the body from the inside out.

"Subject appears to have died, however the munitions did not dispose of the entire body. Medical team is being placed on standby in the event of repatriation. It did appear to be an agonizing dead, perhaps with the effects slowed down, it could be an interrogation tool. Further testing will be needed."

The entry of the bullet burned, as was typical, but it was nothing compared to the fire that slowly seared it's way through his veins, shutting down his systems one at a time, his screams echoing in his ears and in the chamber around him.

A rush of cold water and he was waking on the Beach again, claws digging into the sand as he panted, rolling onto his back to claw at his own body, still feeling the residual fire of whatever the fuck that shit was that burned through his body.

Day 2, and he was already on death number 2.

'D'ya think this is what Sam was fightin for all that time?' He asked the empty expanse of the Beach, before feeling himself pulled back through the water, back to his body.

Reviving more groggily this time, Higgs rolled onto his side to heave, coughing up that black shit again.

"Gettin real tired of that real fast," he muttered, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand.

The munitions testing continued on, death counts rising quickly. 

"Subject appears to no longer be hostile. Medical teams will inspect him, further testing will resume in the morning. Sufficient food and water will be placed into the room." He recorded, sending in the medical team. Once they were satisfied, the lights went out, leaving him again in the pitch black darkness.

Exhaustion.  
It's all he could feel in every recess of his body and his mind.  
 _Exhaustion._

The medical team _touching_ him and checking him over didn't even stir him from whatever zone he had left himself in as he stared at the wall, blank and praying for peace.

As soon as the last red suit left the room, Higgs' eyes slipped closed and a numb nothingness fell over him as he drifted gratefully to sleep.

How many had it been?  
15? 20? _More?_  
God, he lost count somewhere after 10... how was he going to get through this if he couldn't even keep count?  
Keeping count - of days, of deaths - was how he survived, was how he kept a majority of his sanity.  
How was he going to keep going like this?

They were brutal, far more brutal and clinical about all this than Amelie or Daddy had ever been.  
It was new territory, and he wasn't having much fun anymore...

Least Daddy and Amelie gave him a good bit of time between deaths. At least a few hours, sometimes even a whole day. Sometimes the punishments came in other forms and he didn't even have to die. Sometimes, he even got rewarded for his good behavior. But here...  
Mere _minutes_ from spluttering to life and retching that tar from his stomach and lungs, they would be on him, throwing something at him and he was gone again.

Ruthless bastards.  
He'd always known.  
Always.

...would Sammy boy approve of all this?  
Did he know?

Fuck Sam.  
Go to hell, Sam Porter Bridges.

Night 2.


	3. Chapter 3

"Rise and shine! Today the subject will be undergoing experimental surgery to replace failing organs. This is to test new surgical implements." The voice explained. "Subject will be restrained and sedated during the operation. In addition, other implements and devices will be inserted inside the subject to see if they remain after repatriation." He explained, sending the medical team in.

Higgs stirred slowly, digging the butts of his palms into his eyes.  
"Ain't got failin organs, dipshit. So whatcha mean is you're gonna just take shit out and replace it with other shit to see how it all clicks?"

_Ain't a fuckin clock..._

Sitting up, Higgs glared at the medical team, all dressed in their shiny red suits that made him think of that childishly stupid story about a man that entered homes via an offshoot to deliver gifts to children who were good.  
Was this his gift?  
For being good?

 _More_ death?

Great.  
Just what he ever wanted.

They got him sedated without a fight, then restrained for safety purposes before starting to operate on him. They began taking out organs, removing and implanting as they desired, even letting new doctors train on him, before finally closing him up and allowing him to naturally come to.

"Ah, subject is finally coming around. Water is being supplied and the medical team will soon check up on him. How do you feel, subject?"

Being sedated was like floating somewhere between Beach, Seam, reality and a chiralium high. Everything felt... strange, and like the laws of physics had no holds on him or his own little bubble of the world, at least temporarily.

A heaviness settled into his chest as he gained back an inkling of consciousness, his body still feeling numb for the most part, but he knew things were wrong. Felt wrong.

"Groggy. Wrong. Like m' gonna enjoy revenge best served fuckin cold."

"Right. Sure thing." The man laughed, along with the medical team. "We're going to leave you like this through the night and hopefully you'll still be around come morning. The drip there is your pain medicine, you'll be taken off it come morning. Sufficient food and water will be supplied." He turned off the main recording. 

"Supplemental information: subjects food and water will have an increase of chiral contamination. This is to both test his abilities and to see if it affects healing times."

Higgs blinked more, trying to get himself to push past that hazy numbness towards full consciousness. He shook his head, side to side, slowly as he struggled with waking up.

"How fuckin kind to give me pain meds and sufficient food and water. Must've been real good for ya, huh?" He muttered, breathing heavily as he continued to struggle against conscious and unconscious.

_Fuck—_

At some point in the night, he managed a decent enough level of consciousness to get over to his food and water, eating and drinking as much as he could until he fumbled and made a mess of the rest.  
It wasn't too long after that, that he was a retching mess in the other corner of the damn room, black tar clinging to his his lips and dribbling from his chin, his body trembling.  
Collapsing in his own mess, sometime before morning, Higgs lost the battle with consciousness.

"Subject appears to have lost consciousness over night. Medical team will administer basic care and see if he will wake. Stand by." He said, sending a team in to care for him.

They cautiously approached him, stun spears in hand, waiting to see if he would wake.

With an angry huff of breath, Higgs opened his light blue eyes, all ice and hatred as he glared at the medical team approaching him as red blurs with long point stun spears.

"Mornin fellas," he spat, tar still caked to his chin from being sick. "Dunno bout you, but it was a rough one in here last night."

This was... Day 3? Or... or maybe 4?  
Shit... couldn't even keep track of the damn deaths, let alone days, evidently.

They cleaned him up, examining him. "Medical team reports new organs were quite swollen, and a few were rejecting. Possible kidney failure setting in. Medications will be administered and long term testing will be put on hold to test repatriation for the time being. Higher ups can't decide what they want to do with subject as of yet."

Despite the administered medications, Higgs spent most of the day curled in a ball of pain, strangled sobs leaving him whenever dark sticky tar wasn't blocking his airways.

He wasn't sure quite when it stopped and he woke up on the Beach, still feeling the ghosts of those pains.

'They don't even know what they want to do with me, they're just... they're just doing whatever the fuck they want. They're just toying with me,' he muttered, staring towards the water, wondering if it would accept him or spit him out.

He didn't have a chance to act on it, though, as he slipped back to his body, whole and new again, angry scars burned pink into his pale skin.

He rolled onto his side and coughed up a few globs of the tar, each melting away a bit to reveal the organs and other objects that had been implanted in him.

"Oh... that's horrific... subject has spat out the organs and items implanted into him after repatriation. Organ testing will need to be put on hold for the time being." The man answered, holding his mouth, his own stomach feeling weak. 

"Drug testing will begin in the morning with proper clearance." He announced, turning the speaker off. "Increased levels of chiralium in food and water. Sufficient supplies left behind. The goal is to test chiral medications. But I'm starting to think this is retaliation for Hig- the subjects past actions..."

Higgs' eyelids fluttered, rolling onto his back to sprawl out, staring at the ceiling for a few moments.

Drug testing.  
Great.

"So, what? This is all good an' kosher because I was a terrorist? Or is it because I'm a repatriate?" He shouted, throwing his hands into the air, letting them fall back beside him like some sort of sad starfish. He felt a little weak, which he hated.

He _wasn't_ weak, so feeling this way was...

Pushing himself to his feet, he crossed the room to eat a bit of the protein crap provided for him. It wasn't even in his system very long before he could feel it wanting to come back up. If he wanted to fight this, and maybe get the fuck out of here, though, he needed to keep it down. Needed to get his strength back.  
So he ate what he could and drank from his water. He paced his room for a while afterwards, anxious energy making him too agitated to go to sleep right away.  
He wasn't sure how late it was when he finally sat himself in one of the corners and leaned his head against the wall to sleep.

Was it night 4? Or 5? ....or later?  
Time here was just as weird as time on the Beach when he had nothing to go by.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whaaaaaaaaat!  
> Another chapter?
> 
> Yeah, this quarantine crap gave me time to get some more up, so, here's some more torture, as a treat~♡

Morning came, and so did the work. "Chiralium in the food had been increased and the subject should be feeling the affects settling in. Increasing sense of dread and hopelessness should begin the first stage." He announced for the record before turning on the speaker to the room.

"Good morning, subject. How are you feeling today? We're going to be giving you some experimental recreational drugs today, doesn't that sound nice?"

"Like you actually care," he muttered, pacing. He'd gotten hardly any sleep during the night, taking to either pacing or sitting in one of the four corners of the room.

God, what day was this?  
How long had he been here, been back?  
At least on the Beach, he knew time didn't really pass so he didn't even try to keep track but now...

"Feel just fuckin peachy though. Can't wait to be force fed drugs for the entertainment value of the rich and famous."

"You'll enjoy these ones. Promise. It'll feel like we haven't been doing a thing." He said simply, sending someone in. 

"Now, if you behave, we'll let you keep having some of these... granted that they work the right way."

Regardless of the sour mood, Higgs stayed still as he watched the Bridges person enter the room, still listening to the asshat over the speakers.

"Not gonna lie, a bit intrigued now. All I gotta do is be a good boy and I get to keep havin drugs that I supposedly will enjoy?"

"Supposedly." The man answered with amusement. "Now administering the drugs to the subject. May take a while to kick in, so sit tight, and be honest about how you're feeling."

"Bored - oh wait sorry, you said it'll take a little while," he smirked, enjoying a bit that he was getting something of a rise out of the man he couldn't even see. He could hear it in his voice.

...it was a nice change of pace.

"...so, this just my life now or what?" He asked, waiting for the medical team member to leave before going about his pacing again.

"The subject is property of Bridges now, yes." He said simply, going through his paperwork. 

The medical team member left the room, worried about the safety of the messy, very sick man inside. It felt wrong and against oath to be performing tests like this, but would anyone listen or care?

"The _subject_ hates that, thanks," Higgs muttered, slipping down the wall to take a seat.

He missed his mask.  
He missed his BTs.  
He was back to being a fuckin weak nobody and he hated that, too.

Burying his head in his hands, he bit the inside of his cheek.

"Ain't new, bein property of Bridges. Been that, you know. Amelie-" the name tasted acrid in his mouth, worse than the tar.

He had believed in _Her_ , trusted _Her_ , and _She_ had left him to crash and burn.

" _Bitch._ "

"Amelie was an important member of Bridges. And what... what the subject did to her is unforgivable." He said simply, finding himself personally offended by the man. 

"Off the main recording, subject will be recieving a double increase of chiralium in his food. We may also see if the material ore can be refined as an implant to increase and ensure exposure."

"Oh- Oh what _the subject_ did to _Her_?!" Higgs jumped to his feet, his hands clenched at his sides. "You don't have a _fucking_ clue! None of you do! None of you know jack shit about Her!" He shouted, feeling his fingernails drawing blood.

"I _worshipped_ Her! Did _everything_ She asked of me, and _She_ threw everything away! Threw _me_ away..." he sucked in a breath, feeling tears biting at his eyes. "Threw it all away because She went soft on Sammy boy! But, oh, yes, do fuckin tell me how what _the subject_ did to _Her_ was the unforgivable thing!"

His brain was abuzz with anger, a seething red hot rage, poked and prodded by the thoughts of Amelie, fueled by whatever the fuck was running amuck in his system.

"Drug seems to be making subject agitated, not the desired effect. It may simply amplify the emotions the subject is currently feeling." The voice speculated, watching Higgs on the screen. 

He seemed to have a bit of a frenzied look in his eyes.

"The fuck are they sayin I did to Her anyway? She's the one that _chose_ to stay on the damned Beach! She's the one that chose to close Herself off from all of you so that the Game Over wouldn't happen yet," he dropped to his knees, burying his face in his hands.

"We had _plans_! She was... She was _everything_ to me. My God, my light my... my mother."

"Subject appears to be having a mental breakdown." He said, just watching. "He's getting himself rather worked up, heart rate is accelerating, even though subject appears to be sitting." He noted, leaning forward and watching the readout. 

"Subject approaching possible cardiac arrest... the drugs are not suggested to be implemented as initially intended."

Black tears dripped down his cheeks as he tugged at his own hair, his body feeling like it might explode any moment and goddamn it all if he cared. His life only consisted of dying now anyway, in the name of yet another Bridges tyranny.

" _She_ betrayed _me_ , but _I'm_ the bad guy. She wanted to destroy your whole country – your _whole fuckin world_! – and I was just her faithful fuckin pawn... But sure, sure I'll play the villain to her fuckin tragedy, so you fuckin Bridges people can get your dicks wet thinkin about Her, and how wonderful She was an' what a good leader She woulda been if _the subject_ didn't fUCK IT ALL UP FOR US!"

The shout shook the room, shook the life right out of Higgs' body as he collapsed, sprawled out and dead.

"Subject has just died of a heart attack. Perhaps these drugs may be used as an end game to the initial intention. Moving on to the next dosing when subject awakes." He read out, looking at the vitals. 

"Chiralium levels are increasing, possible DOOMs level reaction? Further testing is needed. Implant in the mouth, jaw, or nasal cavity is suggested for maximum exposure."

Gasping awake on the Beach, Higgs eyes bled black a moment before he scrambled to his feet, looking around.  
'Did I seriously just–?' He sighed, scrubbing his hands at his face angrily before kicking at the sand at his feet.  
'Fuckin _fuck_!' he growled loudly, pacing as he waited for the heavy feeling of his body calling him back.

A broken sob pulled from him as he came to, retching damn near instantly, barely able to roll over in time not to choke on it and die all over again.

"Welcome back. Please administer mild sedative to subject to insure he rests. You'll want to eat with this and keep up your strength." He said with a smirk. "You're getting to be a popular subject. Not the first repatriate we've tested on, but apparently the subject has pissed off a lot of people with government contracts. Have anything to say for yourself? We're getting plenty of requests for tests."

Wiping at his mouth, getting that excess tar from his chin, he sat up, feeling a little dizzy.

"Only one other repatriate I know. You sayin you fucks tested on– on uh...."  
Furrowing his brow, he realized he couldn't remember who the other repatriate was that he knew of. As he tried to remember, he could see a blurry face, a glare, and could hear a sort of rough voice, but...  
Did he even know another repatriate or was he just trying to be contrary?  
"Shit, can't even remember..."

What was happening?  
Why couldn't he remember if he knew another repatriate or not? Why couldn't he remember their name, if he did?

"The subject isn't allowed to ask questions about other subjects." The voice said simply, looking him over. "You've had the sedative administered, you'll need to eat. Sufficient food and water will be supplied."

With a roll of his eyes, Higgs moved himself over to where his food and water were, feeling sluggish already as he moved.  
"M'allowed to do as I damn well please, it's just that you ain't gonna answer my questions," he muttered, eating some of the protein paste.

He felt like a damn animal, eating this basic shit and nothing else. Sure, it was enough to keep him sustained, but even when he was living with–

...where had he been going with that train of thought?  
Living with who?

His mind felt foggy as he continued to eat and drink, his body feeling a little light.

"Sedative is setting in now. Subject has eaten and his body will rest... uhhh... more endurance testing will resume tomorrow." He looked through his paperwork.

"You have an eventful day lined up for tomorrow, subject... seems like they're selling you for entertainment value now."

"Sounds like a real blast," Higgs muttered, feeling himself ready to drift to sleep.  
 _Sleep_ , and not death.  
What a nice change of pace.

"I'll just get nice and cozy here while ya'll go and curl up in your comfy beds," he added with a smirk to his voice, right before falling to the side, slipping to sleep.

The guy rolled his eyes, filling out his forms before leaving for the day. He knew things were about to get horrific. He wasn't the first – and he wouldn't be the last – to wonder if they shouldn't have been wiped out in the Stranding, in the 'Game Over' Higgs had talked about before.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIIIIIIIIIIG WARNING
> 
> for some more graphic stuff this chapter
> 
> Higgs is... gone a little off his rocker  
> 😅
> 
> but hey! Deadman shows up in this one, too!

Morning came and so did all the requests. The president had to know about this and simply did not care at this point. Even the first simple request made him nauseous. 

"Good morning, subject. Ready to play?" He asked, looking at his vitals and chiral levels. They were high, but that was what was expected. "If you play nice, we might even let you have a request."

Higgs was starfished on the floor in the middle of his chamber when the voice called out to him. He tilted his head back to look towards the wall he thought surely had the observation deck.

"This a game to you now, hm? Get your rocks off on this? Or, suppose someone does. That's why the requests, huh?" He sighed, rolling his eyes, seeping black from the corners.  
"Yeah, awright. Let's do this shit then," he hummed, jumping to his feet in one smooth movement.

Yesterday, he felt sluggish and lightheaded, today... today he felt powerful, he felt ready for whatever was going to be thrown his way.

"Subject is going to be restrained. If you resist we will wait until you are sedated again." The man read out, reading ahead. 

"This one seems easy enough. Subject is going to be executed. Shot through the head. Subject will remain in the restraints after repatriation for the next viewing." He huffed. 

This wasn't science, it was snuff. When had he agreed to this?

"Ah, so like when I first got pulled into this damn place. Easy enough," he hummed, spreading his arms out, stepping back towards the far end of the chamber so the team that came in to restrain and then shoot him would feel... more at ease.

"Game on then, gentlemen."

A few people in the observatory exchanged looks, not so sure about letting this happen. 

"Subject will remain quiet..." 

The team came in and tied his arms behind his back, and tied his legs together at the ankles. Not a proper strand, as this allowed him to kneel. "Subject has been requested to look up for this part. Right there." The man with a gun pointed to where the camera was for observation.

Icy blue eyes looked to where he was directed, from under long lashes. The dark streaks stained his cheeks as he smirked, spreading his lips slightly to show off those pretty teeth.

'Bring it on,' he mouthed to the camera, giving it a wink as he waited for that sharp lights out.

The trigger was pulled leaving a splatter of black and red on the wall behind him. 

The requests were pretty mundane things, variations on execution, until the higher ups sent in their request.

"Subject will be having his... teeth cleaned today. We will also be making an implant to see if chiral materials will be spit out after repatriation."

Licking his lips, tasting blood, tasting the sting of chiralium against his tongue, Higgs smirked again.

"How many we talkin?" He asked, almost sounding eager, curious.

Chiral implants in his mouth?  
Being that close to chiralium at such a constant amount of time?  
He hoped they would stay, then.

"Subject seems.... eager about the implants?" He questioned, tilting his head, feeling questions forming in his head. 

"Subject, what effects does the chiralium have on you? Why are you not having a negative reaction?" he asked, sending the team in anyway, having them restrain the man to a medical table for the procedure.

"Oh, wouldn't you just love to know, sugar~?" He purred, allowing himself to be maneuvered onto the medical table, strapped down so they could give him pretty new teeth.

He'd thought about doing it himself once or twice, if he were honest. When She had him wrapped around Her pretty little finger, Her hand around his throat, he would have happily gone through with something stupidly insane like this.

Tar continued to leak down his cheeks, his eyes a slight shade darker than usual as he stared at the ceiling.

"Subject seems to be leaking tar at all times now, no longer an emotional response. Unless of course the subject is constantly overwhelmed, which can be expected." He recorded, letting the doctors do their work. They didn't use anesthesia for the procedure, causing him severe pain. 

They were hoping to get their answer quickly.

The blissful pain of the drilling, the pulling, yanking- _oh, fuck._  
Higgs kept having to try to tame back his own body, but his back arched away from the table a few times, and desperate little whimpers leaked from his throat as well.

God the burn felt so damn good, so familiar. Sharp and shooting pain that only registered as such for a split moment before his brain reworked it into pleasure, his pants becoming a bit uncomfortable as the doctors continued their work.

The struggle was seen as resisting and logged as such. 

Once the implant was complete, they cleaned him up, leaving him with more water, simply waiting for him to either recover or die.

Cleaned and unrestrained, Higgs was left to his own devices again. He sucked in a breath and tilted his head back, smirking as he lifted his arms on either side of him, palms down.

"Can feel you now, darlin," he breathed, brushing his tongue over the sore new teeth, burning the tip of his tongue and pulling a hiss from between his lips.

"This all the games we're playin today gentlemen? Or you got more to throw my way?" He asked, rolling his darkened gaze to where he could _smell_ the presence of people beyond his walls.

Oh yes. It's all coming back together now.

"Subject appears to be in decent condition... providing water and moving on to the next test." He frowned, looking over the paperwork. 

"Uh... subject is going to need to remove his clothes for the next series of requests..."

"Oooh~ Kinky," he purred, relaxing his arms to turn fully towards where the people were watching him from the observation deck.

"Definitely not my first time being naked in front of so many people, though," he added with a smirk as he slipped his shirt over his head, tossing it away from him before dropping his pants to pool at his legs.

His erection bounced to bump against his stomach, already leaking from that oh-so fun experience on the table.

"Ah... subject appears to be... sexually aroused. This was not the intentions of– perhaps a reaction to the chiral poisoning." He frowned, quickly looking away from him. 

"This is going to make things a little upsetting..." he huffed, sending in the next team. 

"The subject will keep his hands to himself, or the team will use force."

"Wouldn't be the first time for that, either. Using force," he purred, getting to his knees with his fingers intertwined behind his head.

"But I'll play nice, for now, just like ya asked," he added with a cheeky wink in the overseer's general direction. "Hello, gentlemen~"

They looked at him in disgust, arranging him to face the camera. They moved him, trying to keep their hands above his waist. 

"Subject will now be disemboweled by request... subject will remain facing the camera or will move only as requested, understood?"

His pupils dilated so that his eyes were damn near fully black. "Disemboweled? Oohhoohoo~"

Flicking his tongue across those sharp chiralium spots in his mouth, Higgs smirked. "Getting to those depraved kinks now, eh sugar? What beautifully sick, twisted asshole made this request? Was it that new president of yours, hm?" He asked, knowing he would receive further punishment before he would receive a proper answer.

"Disgusting..." the man holding his arms grumbled, slapping him across the back of his head as the other man took out his knife, driving it into his stomach and pulling it through in a slightly curved line, pulling the skin and muscles forward letting his guts slide out.

The easy slide of the knife, that ripping feeling of his skin coming apart, the burn of his muscles ripping-  
Higgs couldn't hold back the way his eyes rolled, his breath catching in his throat a moment.

If one wasn't looking directly at his vitals, they might've thought he had died...

"M'not the one to put in the request, sugar. Callin _me_ disgusting for taking advantage of a nasty situation is just plain ol _rude_ ," he laughed, the sound punching out of him as he wriggling slightly. The obscene wet noises of his insides being his outsides made him tremble, feeling like he might just fuckin cum without even touching himself.

There were specs of gold and black spattered in his guts, showing just how deeply the chiral poisoning had traveled.

The smell of it made one of the guys gag, turning away and quickly leaving the room. They left him there like that as gold and black flecks floated to the ceiling. It was reminiscent of a body about to pop and go necro...

"Subject appears to be having a...positive reaction to this."

Goosebumps popped up along his arms and his chest, another shiver running through him. The man that had departed from the room was, thankfully, the idiot who had been restraining his hands.

With slow movements, Higgs moved his hands to himself, one to his cock, the other burying in the shimmering, glistening pile of his own entrails.  
A gleeful little moan slipped past his lips as he fondled with both hands, trying to pull himself to finish before any of these idiots tried to come between him and a good self fuck.

"This what you was hopin for?" He purred, running his tongue over the one of his chiral implanted teeth. His toes curled, the pleasure and pain co-mingling as one in his twisted and sick brain. His heart was slowing, his breathing becoming shallow, but somehow he was still managing to keep himself worked up.

They simply watched in shock and horror as he played with himself in his own mess. 

They recorded him all the same. One of the others calling for advanced medical, needing to ensure that the body wasn't going to go necro despite his being a repatriate. 

Deadman came into the observation room, seeing a man covered in black, his innards mostly blackened and filled with tar, laying on the floor of a test room bleeding out, or he would be had it been blood. The young man was covered in what looked to be semen, his body shutting down. 

"I... I'm going to have to go in there and get some samples if you want me to be sure... but the cameras have to go off. I don't want people to see my face."

The man that was... relatively in charge of those project seemed to consider the other's words before nodding and flipping the switch for the cameras.  
"Make it quick and do what you can," he said simply, damn near dismissively.

The subject had slumped forward after his climax, his hand still wrapped around himself, his other still buried in his own insides, slowly going cold.  
A soft laugh was the last sound to leave him as he waited for the feeling of the rough sand of the Beach beneath his knees.

The man took samples before trying his best to save him as he was, but he had lost too much blood, his body gone pulled from their plane and to the next. 

He waited, anxious that he wouldn't return. He breathed in relief when he saw the man open his eyes, wrapping him in the blanket. "Hi! Welcome back... easy, easy! I'm here to help you." He smiled, the gentleness in his eyes faltering as he recognized the man in front of him. The emotion sliding into fear and then realization as to what was probably happening to him here.

Blinking back into the blinding white of the chamber, the subject turned and retched, adding further black tar to the pile of it already there on the floor beneath him.

He hugged the blanket around his shoulders, not bothering to wipe at his mouth and the stray bit of tar left behind on his chin.

"Here to... help me?" He asked, voice rough as he blinked a few more times, his eyes bleeding from that dark black back to the icy blue. "Can you help me?" He added, furrowing his brow a bit as he hugged the blanket tighter to himself. "Dunno if I can be. Helped. Dunno why I'm here."

"Do you know your name? My name is Deadman, not very good I know, but sometimes nicknames happen outside of your control." He laughed, taking out his handkerchief and cleaning up the man's face. 

The after affects of a chiral high were obvious on his face, gold glinting in his mouth. "What are they doing to you here?" He asked, keeping his voice down, looking over his shoulder.

"Deadman..." he murmured, blinking slowly, licking his now cleaned lips. "They call me... _the subject_ ," he replied after a few moments, tearing his gaze from Deadman's face, looking beyond him, seeing nothing.

"They're killing me. Testing me. Pushing me. Killing me again. Over and over and overandoverandoverandover–"

"But you don't remember who you are?" He asked carefully, looking him over cautiously. 

The man was certainly suffering from malnutrition as he was mostly skin and bones. He was also terribly pale, his skin looked rough and dry, his hair seemed to be gray, thin from stress and exhaustion. 

Despite who he was, or who he _had been_ , he didn't deserve this. He was rocking now, the delusions beginning to settle after the chiralium high.

The subject reached his hands up, digging his claws into his own head as he felt tears burning in his eyes, his breath catching.

"Who am I? Who am I? Whowhowhowho- I don't _KNOW_! I don't know... I should know– should know. But I don't... know... no..." he dug at his scalp, tugging and scraping and pulling, drawing blood. Golden flecks of chiral matter floated upwards from the open wounds.  
"Can't remember... don't can't won't let me I don't know. What do I do? What do I do _whatdoIdo_?"

"Take a deep breath and look at me." Deadman said calmly, forcing a smile on his face. 

This was bad. How long had he been down here? He'd have to do some digging in the files. But what could he really do? He'd already assisted one fugitive, and that was a different story entirely.

...but that one fugitive might know what to do in a situation like this. He'd need time to think first.

His eyes dilated as he sucked a breath in and focused on Deadman's face, his gaze flickering all over as he took in every detail.  
He was a handsome man, that much was true. He was also gentle, kind, soft... definitely not like these other people, not like them at all.  
He had scars, too. The subject could understand scars, he had plenty of those himself.

"Sssssssorry..." he breathed, letting his body go a little loose, relaxing some of that tension that had built up from his near panic of not knowing.

Not knowing.

He felt so lost... He didn't know anything - except Deadman. Except pain.

"Don't be sorry. It's scary not to know, but I'll get you some answers. Keep a secret for me, ok?" Deadman rested his hand on the other man's shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze. 

"I'll be back with a plan, alright? Until then, I'll need you to sit tight." He patted him gently, backing up to stand. He picked up his samples, shuffling out of the room, turning to look Higgs over again. 

He'd have to think of something and fast. The way he looked, he wouldn't last through all this much longer... Could a repatriate be real and truly killed, if pushed too far?  
It seemed they were willing to find out.

The subject watched after Deadman as he left the room, staying put where he was, where the man had left him.

"Secret," he repeated to himself quietly, still looking in the direction Deadman had gone, despite the door having opened and closed already.

He had no clue what was coming next, but whatever it was and however bad it got, at least he had to look forward to whatever Deadman was attempting to plan.


	6. Chapter 6

Regrettably it had taken him over a week to find enough information about what they were doing to Higgs, finding out they'd had him down there a little over 8 months now. 

He had to figure something out. He sent a message to someone, telling them he needed something and that he'd be sure to make it worth his while. 

When he returned to the test room to run a few more tests, it appeared that the poor man's veins had begun to turn black. If it was possible for a living body to necrotize... 

He moved slowly and carefully, seeing a collar attached to the man's neck, the skin underneath colored purple and blue. 

"Hello again, do you remember me?" He asked, moving to squat next to him.

Opening his eyes, a blackness having seeped into the icy blue, the man looked up at Deadman and it took him a moment or so before his face lit up with a small smile. He did recognize that kind face, the gentleness of it. Only one person had ever looked at him like that.

"Deadman. Here to help," he breathed, trying to keep himself steady, despite the constant buzzing in his brain, his veins and this fuckin thing around his neck. He ran his tongue over his lips, searching the other man's face carefully, curiously.

Why had Deadman come back? How long had it been?  
...he definitely lost count a long long time ago... Pointless to count, anyway. This was his everything. Whatever he was before didn't matter because this is what he was now.

"Can't help. Can't... nothing to help."

Deadman felt his smile turn, looking at him sadly. "I can and will still help. But I'll need you to help me first." He looked him over, not quite sure this was a good idea. 

"I'm going to give you something, and you're not going to feel good at all. It'll feel like you're dying. Going to stop your heart." He whispered, voice low enough, laying the younger man out, looking like he was giving him an exam. 

He took some blood samples, injecting him with something soon after. "It'll take time to work. But if you wake up, I'll need you to stay as still as possible, understood?"

"I've been doing a lot of dying... a lot and a lot and a lot. Beach, Seam, Repatriate, repeat. Stuck in a cycle, a loop, going on and on and onandonandonandon–" he sighed, blinking slowly as he felt the needle prick his skin, the burning warm of whatever had been in the syringe being deposited into his dark veins.

"Stay as still as possible. Play dead, man," he snickered softly at his own pun, glancing towards Deadman afterwards. "Thank you... thank you," he didn't know if whatever this plan was would work, or if this was just all another elaborate game put out for him by Bridges, but... but he wanted to believe whatever was happening would set him truly free.

Whether that was true death or... or something beyond this place, maybe.

"Thank you..."

"If we're both lucky, you'll never see me again. You're going to be in the hands of someone I trust." Deadman reassured, leaving before any signs showed. 

With how small he had become, how thin and frail, it didn't take long before his stats dropped, his heart rate slowing dangerously until stopping altogether.

Deadman was quickly called back, the man's body had been dead for several minutes with no repatriation. Fear of the body necrotizing led them to submitting to the removal of him, having him sent to the morgue where Deadman replaced him with an actual corpse to send off with corpse disposal. 

It was much later and with an odd transport that he met with Sam just outside of the city limits, the man's body on a carrier behind him along with mass quantities of medicine for chiral poisoning.

He'd never been in the dark for so long before, just floating there, unable to move or do anything. He felt his body being moved, being pulled around and transported. He felt the tips and dips of wind and the air – he wasn't in the chamber anymore!

Outside!  
Outside world!  
Deadman had helped, just like he had said he would, just like he said.

He wasn't sure of the time passing but eventually, his heart started beating more properly again, his breathing started to regulate and he could feel life breathing back into his body.

"Deadman!" He exclaimed, as he tried to sit up and realized he could not move.

"Quit your yelling back there! You'll wake the baby." Sam hissed, hands going to the carrier on his chest. Getting her to sleep wasn't difficult, but she cried like crazy when her nap was interrupted. 

"Don't wiggle so much either, fuck, man..." he huffed, hauling him through the foot hills, nearing where he was planning on taking a break soon. 

He lived just beyond the crater where Captial Knot used to be. Not many people came this way even though the BTs had been cleared out long ago. 

Hearing from Deadman had given him mixed emotions; he didn't mind hearing from him, and had been wanting to see his friend, but then he went and gave him this.  
Higgs, though they had both agreed not to call him that. 

Why the fuck would he want to take care of him!? Didn't he have enough going on with trying to raise a child and stay unnoticed by the UCA? Now he had to babysit an ex-terrorist. One that had tried to end the world and personally made his life a living hell? 

Fuck that.

But here he was anyway.

The subject fell silent, blinking in the slight brightness of the open world. This is what the outdoors looked like? This is what the world looked like?  
He was free! Deadman had helped, just as promised! ...what a good man...

"I'm sorry," he breathed, unsure who the voice belonged to, but it didn't seem like someone to argue or fuck around with. "I didn't know where I was–" he sighed, relaxing a bit in the body bag carrier, feeling relatively cozy and warm inside of it.

"Oh! Wait! ...a baby?" The subject asked, furrowing his brow a bit. "What's a baby? Is it your baby?"

"Shh... " Sam rolled his eyes. Obnoxious really was a personality trait then. 

"Technically she's mine, I'm not her biological father, but I'm her dad." He explained, loving any excuse to talk about Lou. 

"Just a little further before we rest. You can see her then, but for now keep your voice down." He sighed heavily, keeping one hand on his pack, the other going to the fussy baby. 

They walked a little further before stopping at a timefall shelter to rest under. He set his pack down, waking up Lou to feed her. 

"You hungry? Here." He said, handing over half a peanut butter sandwich.

"I think I had a dad once. Dunno if he was biological or not. Can't remember shit, captain."  
He laughed, making sure to keep his voice down, not wanting to be reprimanded by the man again.

Having unfurled himself a little from within the cocoon of the transport bag, the man looked to the offered sandwich suspiciously, furrowing his brow a bit.

"...the hell is that?" He asked, cautiously taking it as his stomach rumbled from the slightly sweet smell of it. "Never had nothin that looks like this..."

Deadman had entrusted the subject to this man, and his baby? So... he could be trusted too, right? ...unless it was all some sort of bigger test by Bridges and he was in trouble.  
He couldn't keep trying to get one step ahead when he didn't even know what step they were on anymore, let alone which was right foot and which was left!

Taking a bite without waiting for an answer, the man closed his eyes, whimpering softly. Whatever the fuck this food substance was, it was soft and had a smooth, slightly sweet flavor to it.  
"...fuck that's good."

Sam shook his head, trying not to smile. He was still pissed off. And this was fucking Higgs. 

"So you really don't remember who you are?" He asked, sitting cross legged, feeding Lou from a bottle. When she was just about finished, he let her have some peanutbutter off his fingers before giving her the rest of the bottle.

"They called me _the subject_ , so..." the man shrugged a bit as he finished off the sandwich eagerly, like it was the greatest damn thing he had ever put in his mouth.

Which, honestly, that was likely. Since he couldn't remember anything beyond that protein paste crap and water that tasted metallic.

He sat and watched the other man feed the tiny little creature in his arms, a smile tugging at his lips. "She's cute..." he murmured.

Sam smirked, feeling like now was the time he could get his own petty revenge. "You used to go by Peter." He said simply, a half truth. 

"We knew each other. My name is Sam Unger, and this, is Louise." He looked down at her, watching her glare at the other man. She was always a smart kid, it was no surprise she recognized him. Even though he looked completely different.

"Peter...? That's an awful name. Who would go by Peter?" He huffed, shaking his head. "Better than 'the subject', I suppose," he added with a sigh, looking to the little glaring baby with a bit of a sneer of his own, unintentional though it was.

"...don't think she likes me much. I get that feeling a lot – that people don't... don't like me much. Must'a been a real piece of work, me. Otherwise they wouldn't have likely been able to do the things they did–" he sighed, falling backwards a little so he could lay on the ground.

"You were a big piece of shit." Sam said simply. "And I don't much want to be doing this, but Deadman is a good friend and he asked me to." Sam explained, bouncing Lou to burp her. 

"But I think you served your time. Played your damn part just like we all did. Now it's time to take it easy. Recover." He looked over at him, still not trusting him. He held his guard, still putting on the gruff attitude except for the sweet touches for Lou.

"You'll just have to deal with what I can give. It ain't much, but it's off the grid. If they haven't found me yet, they won't find you." He said simply, putting her back in her carrier after she let out a loud burp.

"Now come on." He said, drinking from his canteen, offering Higgs a sip as he stood. "I want to get home before we need to do a diaper change."

"Oh... heh, sorry. That I was a piece of shit, I mean. I– I dunno."

With a huff of breath, the man sat up a bit, glancing to Sam and the little glaring baby. "Anyway, anythin's better than where I came from," he replied, pushing himself to his feet and only taking a little drink from the canteen before handing it right back.

"You can teach me some things of how to take care of the little one and I can help you look after her... Can try learning some skills, too, so I can be of actual help to you instead of just... being a burden," he murmured absently as he followed behind the man and his baby.

Felt nice to be using his feet again, for walking and the like. Didn't even bother him none that his feet were bare and the ground was a bit cold.

"Thank you, Sam. Even under a favor from Deadman, I still appreciate what you're doing for me," he added with a bit of a smile. "Maybe you can help me think of a better name than Peter though, hm?"

Sam smirked, handing him the bag again. "It's a long haul up those mountains. Get in the bag." He said simply, getting the rest of his gear ready before waiting to hook Higgs back up.

"You always liked Peter. You kinda look like one anyway. Least your eyebrows grew back." Sam dug, pleased to have a little bit of payback. 

"And I won't trust you alone with Lou. That's only a little personal. But a little help couldn't hurt, just long enough to get you back to health and back on your feet."

Grumbling, the man climbed back into the damn bag, preferring the freedom but... well, probably best not to argue with the man that damn near held his life in his hands?

"My eyebrows– What! What happened to my eyebrows?!" He furrowed the brows in question, wriggling in the bag a little to touch at his face, feeling the light hairs of his eyebrows and breathing a sigh of relief. "Shit, did I not used to have eyebrows? The fuck kinda person was I....? Other than a piece of shit that you'd never trust with your kid, evidently," he laughed, sounding a bit sheepish as he did.

A man unworthy of being trusted with a kid. A man that evidently, in some way, shape, or form deserved all those experiments done on him, all those tests, the bloodshed and death.  
...must've killed people, then, surely.

"I think it was poor fashion taste." Sam snorted, shaking his head. "You had a lot of those." He teased, having his harmless fun. 

"You look better with them." He smiled, zipping up the bag and attaching it onto his back. "Gonna help me lift him?" He asked the baby, making an exaggerated noise while he attached his pack. "Good work." He praised, listening to her laughing and cooing, looking rather pleased to see this man in a bag. 

"I don't trust a lot of people alone with my kid. She's been through a lot. I only let a few people near her."

"Sayin my fashion was bad!?" He huffed, but laughed anyway. "Doesn't surprise me none..."

He was quiet for a little while, just watching the scenery. "That's... understandable. I know nothin about children. ...or much of anythin else right now. But anyway, I... get it. As much as I can get something, anyway," he sighed, back to watching their back as they started their journey up again.

"Maybe uh– maybe someday I'll give you reason to trust me. I'd like that... Having someone in this world."

Sam frowned walking, wondering if he ever really could trust Higgs. Peter. 

He chuckled again at the name, deciding instead to whistle to Lou to keep her entertained. 

Once they'd made it back to the house he climbed up the stairs, sitting down on them and unattaching his pack. He started taking his boots off, rubbing at his feet. 

"Weather should be getting nice soon." He looked down at Lou, humming to himself.

Peter climbed his way out of the bag as soon as he felt it release tension from Sam's pack. The trip up had been... uncomfortable. Quiet, despite the occasional noises between father and baby.

He felt like he was intruding on something sacred and private, so he'd tried to tune out those moments, best he could.

Once shed of that sort of second skin, Peter stretched his arms out either side of him, rolled up on his toes to crack them, cracked his shoulders and his elbows.

"Man... quite a view you got up here, Sam," he sighed, arms crossed behind his head as he looked out over the landscape.  
It was all new to him, and it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen... If he never remembered himself, and got to keep all this instead... he could probably be okay with that. The old version of him that everyone hated had died, been destroyed or erased. He was new, fresh, clean–

...well.

His hair was long and hanging in his face, greying, and he certainly didn't feel clean.  
He was wearing clothes that Deadman had managed to steal for him, for which he was an added layer of thankful. Long black sleeves with a turtle neck covered marks and scars – and that collar – he would rather not be asked about if he could help it for the moment.

"Isn't it?" Sam smiled, looking out to the mountains. "My little retirement spot. Wasn't going to live in one of those fucking bunkers. Wasn't gonna raise a kid in one." He breathed a laugh, feeling bad for saying that around Higgs. 

He'd read his journals. Hopefully he forgot all that, too. 

"Anyway, let's get you cleaned up. You stink, and she needs a change. I'll get you something to eat and some fresh clothes to wear." He offered, looking him over. "Pants are gonna be a little short on you, but they'll fit. You look like shit."

"I look like shit _and_ I stink, too! Damn, just firin' off those compliments to make a man feel downright awesome about himself," Peter chuckled, dropping his hands to his sides as he turned to smile at Sam, all genuine happiness in those icy blue eyes.

"Lead the way, Sam. I'm at your mercy out here – you say jump, I'll say how high."

"Might like the sound of that." Sam teased, getting himself up and opening up the house. "After everything you put me through." He shook his head, Lou still glaring at him. 

"Bathroom is this way, living room. That's mine and Lou's room just up the stairs. You'll sleep on the couch." He explained, gesturing around the smaller cabin. "I co-sleep with her, so we take the bed. Might set one up for you depending on how quick or slow you heal. But it's a big couch." He shrugged, showing him around. 

The house wasn't empty, but it wasn't filled, it was very minimal. Baby toys taking up the most space, a moderate sized entertainment system in front of the couch and a few books was really all Sam had.

"I...I don't know what I put you through, so the apology is not gonna mean much, but all the same... I'm sorry I put you through all that I did, when I was that other me," he followed Sam around the house, inspecting things subtly, a little smile teasing at his lips as he counted the things that were clearly Lou's against the things that were clearly Sam's – weighing heavier in favor of the baby.

"You really spoil that little girl," he teased gently, looking to the baby with a smile that slid from his face when he saw that little glare again. With a sigh, his shoulders slumped again. "Think she hates me more than anyone out there... and with some of the requests, it was easy to tell people hated me."

Sam laughed, looking down at her. "She has reason. She's very protective of me." He smiled, pushing a kiss to the top of her head. 

"And she's all I have. All I need. Of course I spoil her." He breathed a laugh, shaking his head, pinching her little toes. "I think she knows it too." He hummed, bringing her to the kitchen and setting her on the table to take her out of her little jumpsuit. 

"She can't understand that you're not you anymore. She's just a baby now. But she'll come around." He shrugged, laying her down on the table, changing her diaper and putting her into some house clothes before stepping out of his own jumpsuit and putting it into the decontamination storage.

"If she doesn't, that's alright too. I'm sure how she feels is for valid reasons," he replied with a shrug, turning away while Sam changed the little one, almost just on instinct. "You've both got your life here, and I'm only intrudin' until you can kick me the hell out on my own two feet," he chuckled, feeling a tug in his chest for some reason.

It was a ways away before he would have to think about leaving Sam, but mentioning it made him feel... not great.  
 _Why?_  
Sam was nice enough, and Lou was a cutie, but like everyone else, he had hurt them, betrayed them, fucked up with them in some way and they hated him just like the rest. They were only helping him because of Deadman, and there was still the slim chance this was all an elaborate ruse or test...

"A-Anyway... you said I look like shit and smell like it too– how do I go about fixing that? You got a hose or somethin I can use to wash off?"

"There's a shower in the bathroom. Please shower, don't take a bath... you'll leave a ring in my tub." He teased, looking him over. 

He was grimy. And Deadman had warned him his blood was more chiralium than it was biological matter. His veins looked dark through his skin, so it was believable. He looked like a body going fucking necro. 

Could be another reason for Lou's glare. She could probably see all that shit in him. 

"Shower, then you can eat and take your medicine. Promise you'll feel better after." He smiled, trying to put all of them at ease.

"That crap Deadman sent me with? It's supposed to reverse some of the shit they did to me, right...?" He asked quietly, looking to Sam, a touch of worry in his gaze before he shook his head, waving his hand. "I'll take it, no problem. I just was curious," he added before making his way towards the bathroom that Sam had mentioned.

He had...no clue how this worked.  
He knew he had to be naked, obviously, and he knew water was involved but he didn't know how to... summon the water? Make it go?

"Uh... how do you summon the water to your shower?"

"Summon the... man what the fuck did they do to you?" Sam growled, following him to the bathroom. "Look, this works the same way for the tub and the sink too. This one, the one marked H, is hot water, the C is cold. You just turn them to open the pipe and control the water temperature. Towels are here and I'll set some clothes up for you outside the door." He showed him, feeling that all too familiar feeling boiling in his stomach. 

He fucking hated the UCA. They always made him feel so... helplessly fucking furious.

"Uh... do you want a run down list or a detailed one?" He laughed sheepishly as he watched Sam showing him how to do the shower stuff, and where he could find a towel.  
"Thanks, sorry. I'll be out in a little bit – I won't take too long," smiling, he slipped out of his turtle neck and then pants, stepping easily into the shower and fiddling with the knobs that Sam had told him about.  
The water cascaded down on him immediately, making him yelped and jump slightly, fiddling faster so he could adjust the temperature to something his sensitive skin wouldn't mind.

Everything hurt, still. Was sore and achy and he wanted to tear his skin off, peel out of it and grow a new one.

...he, had done that before, actually, except the scars had just come back as they had been when he came back from the Beach, with the additions of a couple others. No matter what he did he hadn't been able to escape what they did to him, hadn't been able to escape the ghosts of his past that he couldn't even fUCKING REMEMBER!

He hadn't realized he had punched the wall until he heard the crack of bone, felt the sting of it and then rush of cold golden black substance as it leaked from his skin.

"Fuck, shit, sonuvabit–" he bit his lip, quickly washing himself and getting out of the shower, wrapping himself and his hand in the towel before stepping out of the bathroom.

Sam smiled, looking up at Higgs, standing in the kitchen talking to Lou as he cooked dinner. 

"Hey, what happened, you look pale..." he said, suddenly on alert, looking the other man over. "Come here, sit. You can get dressed in here."

Peter felt his shoulders slump as he shuffled from the bathroom over to where Sam called to him, wanting him to sit.

"Nothin - er, well... I was thinkin about shit and I guess I punched the wall..." he murmured, pulling his hand from the towel, his knuckles already gone dark, but that may have been partially thanks to his blood being more chiralium than actual blood...

Sam frowned, looking it over. "Let's get you some ice, clean it up and then have a look." He sighed, going to his freezer. 

"Let's at least get you into some pants, theres a lady present." He gestured to Lou, trying to lighten the mood. 

He came back with the ice, grabbing the pants he'd set aside for him. He handed the bag over, kneeling and holding the pants open. "It's embarrassing, I know, but it's going to be for a while."

He felt a warmth burn in his cheeks, some buried part of him rather enjoying seeing Sam on his knees like that.  
A new part of him was dying over how soft and sweet Sam was for helping him with his pants.

Carefully, he stepped into them, biting his lip, unintentionally showing off one of his pretty golden canines.

"You're rather good at all this..."

"At what?" Sam asked, pulling the pants up as he stood, wiggling them up around his hips. They were just sweatpants, a little lose on him, the poor guy was all skin and bones. 

"Go on, just sit and let that ice settle a minute. Can you straighten your hand?" He asked, looking at it, unable to tell what was bruising and what was blood. 

All of it triggered his chiral allergy, forcing tears to run down his cheeks. 

"I'll get you something for the pain too, but you should take your medicine. Have some water, you're probably dehydrated." He sighed, wiping at his face.

"No pain – I mean, once the initial pain died down, anyway. Just kind of cold and numb, honestly," he murmured, looking down at his hand, wiggling his fingers and grimacing, but not really straightening anything out.

Definitely busted then – _fuck._

"Good at... caring. I dunno. Taking care of someone? Helps you've got your little lady, I'm sure," he chuckled softly, looking up and only then noticing Sam's tears.  
His eyes widened, breath catching in his throat. "Are you– Are you okay? Did I say something wrong?" He asked, an intense worry in his voice.  
If he fucked this up already, enough to make Sam cry like that, this was over and he wasn't worth all this rescuing and shit. Throw him somewhere he could die slowly or... or whatever so he couldn't hurt anyone else!

"Shit, shit, shitshitshit I'm really sorry! I didn't mean to- it's not that bad, really, if that's why you're upset! I... I could just find something so I die and then it'll be good as new, promise!"

"No! Holy shit, no... you don't have to do that." Sam huffed, knowing he wasn't really cut out for this. 

"Its the chiral allergy, from your blood." He reassured, digging through his drawer to find the bandages. "Its going to hurt for a while, I'm going to straighten your hand out." He explained taking Lou's chair and turning her around so she couldn't see. 

"Look, I'm a repatriate too. You can keep dying, your blood is too contaminated." He explained, taking Higgs' broken hand. He flinched at the touch, continuing on. "When all you do is die, you lose the value of living. So, dying isn't an option anymore. Sometimes you might have an accident, but not on purpose, you understand me?"

Peter relaxed back in the chair, his shoulders falling again slightly as he looked at Sam with confusion marked plainly on his face.

"So you're... you're not going to kill me either?" He asked quietly, that thought only just now dawning on him.  
If that was the case, this couldn't possibly be an elaborate test, right? There was no way in hell Bridged would go through all the trouble of killing him over and over and over and doing so many things to push him towards death just to... to tell him no? Don't do that?

"...what's a chiral allergy? You're allergic to my blood?"  
Once passed the initial shock of not having to die, and being told to basically avoid it as best as possible, Peter focused on other details, particularly an allergy to his blood?  
"That's a pretty weird and specific allergy. Lot of people have that? Add into why people hate me?"

"No. I'm not going to fucking kill you." Sam huffed, feeling his stomach turning again. "Why the fuck would I want to do that?" He growled, shaking his head.

"And it's not your blood specifically. Its what's in it that I'm allergic to." He sat down, wrapping up his hand, making sure the knuckles would set right. "You have chiralium poisoning. That's what made your blood turn back. Shit, you die one more time and you might just pop." He looked him over. 

Poor guy looked like he might just keel over any minute anyway. 

"There. All fixed done. Keep that ice on it. Take your medicine and finish that glass. I know you'll be thirsty but you'll have to take it easy or you'll get sick. You and Lou are going to be sharing a meal tonight too." He laughed, turning her back around and watching her face scrunch at the idea of sharing.

"Dunno. What's anyone's specific reasoning for wanting to kill me, so send in requests to Bridges to have me filmed and killed in the requested ways?" He asked, shrugging as he looked to his hand, the cold ice pressed against it, but he felt nothing.  
He was all cold anymore anyway, so what was a little extra?

He leaned his head back on the chair, the exhaustion finally setting in now that adrenaline, fear and paranoia weren't keeping him running. He even yawned, popping his jaw a bit before straightening back in his seat.

"Sharing a meal with Lou? I'm sure she'll just be pleased about that one," he scoffed, picking up the water and meds, taking them and drinking only a few sips of the water at first. His mouth still felt dry somehow, despite it, so he drank more, and realized just how damn thirsty he actually was and before he could realize himself, he'd downed the whole glass.

Sam smiled, glad Higgs was taking the water. "Not actually sharing." He laughed, looking between the two. "You're just getting the same thing. A delicious pate of peas, carrots, and whatever these leafy things are." He snorted, waving them, making the baby laugh. 

"Deadman said solid foods probably wouldn't be a good idea for you for a while. Baby food would be just fine." He shrugged, putting their food into the blender. 

"It doesn't matter anymore. If you can remember what your life was before this, its probably for the best."

"All I was eatin before was protein paste and water anyways - can't imagine this'll be much different. Except, feel like since you're making it yourself, fresh, and for the little lady, it'll taste like something," he breathed a laugh, letting his eyes slip closed as he rested in the chair.

It had been a long time since he had been able to just rest, peacefully, without someone coming in and poking that idea full of holes.

Sam laughed, looking at Lou. "Well, I don't know about that, but tomorrow she gets yams. And I tend to help myself to that one. It's more like mashed potatoes." He hummed, not remembering the last time he'd had that. It would be a good thing to add to his requests. 

"You'll work your way into eating solid foods again. When you are able to stomach them, we can celebrate, I might have something in mind." He smirked, scooping the paste into a larger bowl, then a smaller one. He set the one down with a glass for Higgs, bringing the other around to sit with Lou, setting his own food to the side for after she'd eaten. 

"Come on, open up. It has to be good, hes eating it. And we both know I wouldn't poison you." He told her, holding the spoon up to her face, taking a bite from his own food.

"Yeah, and I'm not even damn sure you'd poison me, at this point," Peter muttered, chuckling as he watched the baby hesitantly take the spoon into her mouth, unintentionally mirroring the process with his own mouth.

"Oh-" he blinked, cheeks going slightly warm and pink. "...that's actually kind of good..." he murmured, scooping another spoonful into his mouth, as he leaned a bit against the table.

His body was feeling weak, now that the exhaustion was settling into every part of him. His arms felt like noodles, his legs like jelly, and he didn't even know what those things were, just knew the phrases ingrained in him like breathing!

Lou kept her eyes on Higgs as he ate, and slumped against the table with every bite.  
She giggled and waved her hands when the man slumped so far that he almost had his face in his food.

Sam turned his attention to Higgs, a smile on his own face. "Hey, you can't sleep there, buddy." He teased, setting the spoon down. "I'll be right back." He promised her, kissing her forehead as he stood. 

"Come on. Let's get you to sleep." He hummed, easily getting his arms under the other man and lifting him up, carrying him over to the couch. 

He sat him down, getting a shirt on him before laying him down and covering him up. "Just like a baby." He teased, watching for just a moment before going back to Lou. 

He finished feeding her, moving on to his own food as she made a mess of herself, letting her stick her hands in whatever she had left. 

He went about their nightly routine, skipping their movie for the night, deciding instead to bring her to bed and read to her, trying to keep quiet and not wake the man down the stairs.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter but here's some emotional Higgs and cute men with a cuter baby
> 
> ♡

The man slept soundly, utterly passed out and completely dead to the world as the first round of medicine cycled through his system. The shower and food helped a lot, and being out of that stressful situation was the biggest positive of all.  
Sam was gentle, and despite there be underlying things that may have happened between him and the past version of the subject, Sam pushed past it well enough. Lou was more the worry factor, but she was just a little lady baby.

In the darkness, wrapped in a gentle warmth, the man slept, not waking until a cold settled back into his body and he felt a burning in his throat.  
Rolling over onto the floor, the subject reoriented himself to his surroundings before making a beeline to the bathroom, only allowing himself to throw up a few globs of tar once he made it into the shower. He dropped to his hands and knees, panting as he let his head hang, dark strands hanging from his lips and chin, his eyes closed.

Sam heard the noise, getting up to see what happened. He held a crying Lou tight to his chest, setting her down in her pen and letting the mobile soothe her while he followed Higgs to the bathroom. 

"You alright? Can I turn on the light?" He asked, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he held his hand over the switch. He saw him hunched on the floor, abandoning the switch and kneeling next to him. "Woah... you good? Let's get you cleaned up." He hesitantly rested his hand on the other man's back, feeling the ridges of his spine though his shirt.

"S-Sorry..." he breathed, flinching from the touch only slightly, before realizing it was only Sam, and Sam was safe. Just here to help, to check on him.  
"I just... it happens, sometimes. I get sick like this and can't stop it. Didn't want to get it on your floors," he muttered, wiping at his mouth with this back of his hand, exhaustion settling back into his bones now that he had expelled the badness for now.

"Didn't mean to wake you an' the little lady... she gonna be okay?"

"She'll be fine. She cries for a bit. She's a little fussy." He laughed, looking toward the sound. 

"Wash your face, yeah? I'll get you some water and get you back to the couch. Thanks for not puking on my floor." He patted his back getting up and going to the kitchen, setting the couch back up. 

He felt bad seeing him like this, knowing that he didn't deserve whatever happened to him. Higgs was a bastard, there was no doubting that. But they broke him. And he wasn't sure this could be fixed. 

"Ready?" He asked, coming back to the bathroom, offering to help him back.

He was staring at himself in the mirror when Sam came back, his eyes welled with tears.

"Is that me...?" He asked quietly, glancing to Sam's reflection in the mirror, standing behind him, so he knew his answer with that alone but-  
"Is that... is that really me?"

He was so much paler than he'd ever realized. He had silvery and pink fleshy scars on his forehead, bruising on his neck where that collar still rested snugly, not bothering him currently.  
Other scars were hidden by the clothes he wore, but some peeked out from the collar of this shirt, and if he lifted his arms above his head to stretch-

...there were particularly nasty scars from where he'd been gutted—literally—more than once.

He was awful looking. Broken and beaten and torn to pieces and glued back together into some shambling resemblance of what he must have once been. He wanted to hide away his face, cover himself up with more clothing...  
Instead he stood there, looking to Sam, wondering if this was the first time the other man had seen the subject so emotionally naked.

Sam felt everything in his body grow instantly cold. Everything hurt at that question and for the first time in a long while he was at a complete loss. 

"That's you, yeah. But you're sick right now, so don't be so hard on yourself, alright?" He stepped closer, knowing he needed to comfort the other man. He took a deep breath and held his arms out, offering him a hug. 

He could tell Higgs was upset by what he saw. He was rather unsettling currently to look at, more like a BT than a living man.

It took a lot to tear his gaze away from the ghostly image of himself in the mirror - no wonder why the little lady glared at him the way she did. He didn't blame her, anymore, not that he blamed her much in the first place though.

"So...I won't always look like... this?" He asked, gesturing to all of himself and not stepping into Sam's arms.

He wanted to.  
God did he want to.  
A huge part of him wanted to, anyway. Some long dead part of him and some newer, just recently blooming part of him.

...but fear kept him at arm's length, out of Sam's reach, but only just.

"...I'm sorry you and the little lady have to look at this ugly mug," he chuckled sheepishly, trying to play off that he'd been about to cry a moment ago, just from seeing himself and the state he was in. "Think we should all go back to bed now. I don't feel like I'm gonna throw up again anytime soon, and I don't want to keep Lou from more restful sleep with you in bed."

"I think maybe she and I could hang out on the couch a bit if you didn't want to be alone." He offered, relaxing his arms, letting them fall to his sides. 

"You're not all that ugly. At least you have eyebrows now, remember?" He teased lightly, seeing that sad, haunted look in his eyes. 

"What they did to you is disgusting. This... the way you look now is a result of that, but we're going to get you better. I promise. You won't look this way forever... god, you always were so vain." He breathed a laugh, smiling at him softly. He stepped out of the way, letting Higgs – no, Higgs was gone – Peter go back to the couch.

"I was always worried about my looks?" He asked, shuffling back to the couch to lay down, rubbing at his eyes a bit.  
That was probably embarrassing, learning he was such a vain human, even before all of this crap had happened to him.

...so was he actually always this awful looking and Sam was just too damn nice to say anything about it?

"You've no idea the things they did to me, Sam, and there's a lady present so there's no way I'd tell you," he smiled sadly as he reached the couch again. "You and her go on back to bed. I'll be fine."

Sam looked over to Lou in the pen, finally settled down. "I think I'm going to have a snack before I go to bed. Want to join me?" He offered, not wanting to leave him just yet. 

He looked over to see Lou now sitting up, interested in a snack. "Looks like I've got one taker." He breathed a laugh, going to the kitchen and getting the stuff out to make peanut butter & jelly. 

It had its perks being the guy everyone in America saw bring their packages. He made one for both him and Peter, then just some peanut butter and jelly in a bowl for Lou.

Peter sighed, bringing his knees up to his chest as he rested his chin on them. "Why're you bein so nice to me, Sam...?" He asked softly, not really even meaning for the man to be able to hear him, it was mainly just for himself.

"Thank you," he added at a more reasonable volume.

Sam sat Lou on the floor in front of the couch, giving her her food before settling himself down on the couch to eat his snack.

"It might not be the best idea, but it's the best night food." He shrugged, watching Lou malena mess. "You'll get a stomach ache and now she might need a bath."

"....why would I take any more bites if I'm going to get a stomach ache...?" He muttered, chuckling lightly, letting his legs drop down as he ate the sandwich anyway.

Lou laughed happily, painting herself with her snack, and eating some of it too.

"Because it tastes good." Sam said, his mouth full. "I think shes got more on her than in her." He shook his head, now he had to give her a bath. 

Wouldn't hurt him to have one too. Ah damn. He might as well just be up now. He sighed, finishing his sandwich and scooping her up off the floor. 

"Want to hold the sticky baby?" He laughed, he hands covered in jelly up to her elbows. He playfully nibbled her fingers when she tried to put them on his face. "Mmm!! Yummy baby!"

The little one giggled excitedly, squirming in Sam's arms as he nibbled at her hands. She liked the tickle of his facial hair.

"You... but why-?" Peter blinked, getting up, surprised that Sam was willing to trust him with the little sticky creature. "I mean, sure, I'll hold the sticky monster," he chuckled, putting his hands out to take her, probably so Sam could start the bath for them.

"Be good. You're allowed to put a little jelly in his hair." He told her before carefully handing her over. 

"Shout if you need anything." He told the both of them, going and starting the bath for them. 

He felt anxious leaving his little Lou anywhere, let alone with him. But it was just in the other room and it was only for a minute.

Carefully, he moved with the little baby over to the couch, plopping down on the ground in front of it with her in his arms.

She looked up at him, glaring a little beyond the jelly and peanut butter messing her face.

"Oh, c'mon now... don't give me that look," he murmured, smiling softly down at her. "You only gotta deal with me while your daddy puts the water on," he hummed, rocking her a little in his arms. "Grumpy thing... I know it's my fault ya'll are up, but I didn't mean to wake you..."

Sam laughed looking out, trying to let them have a bonding moment. He thought about making a comment about Lou not reasoning with terrorists, but it felt cheap. 

Sam had to remember that wasn't who he was anymore. Look at him, he could barely make it to the bathroom without spewing tar. 

"She's a tough little lady to bargain with. It's a good thing she likes bath time."

Peter looked up quickly, feeling warmth in his cheeks again as color blossomed in them. He smiled at Sam as he pushed himself to his feet, bringing the little squirming lady over to him.

"Seems she's a tough little lady in general, not just for bargaining," he hummed, carefully handing her over.

Lou looked to the bad man a moment before reaching out with sticky little hands for Sam, cooing excitedly.

"Maybe she'll hate me less if I don't wake her up next time I need to dispose of my own damn guts."

"No promises." Sam laughed, taking her happily. "Um... I usually bathe with her, but I'll leave the door open in case you have to spill your guts."

"Would rather not need to do such a thing while you and the little one are bathing. I'd sooner rush to the door and just-" he motioned vomiting out of said door, a slight chuckle leaving him as he shook his head.

"I'll be fine. Bathe and relax, I'm not even here," he added, padding his way back to the couch and collapsing on the floor beside it, much more used to hard, unforgiving surfaces to lay on than the softness of the couch.  
Eventually he would get used to its luxury, but today was not that day and now was not that time.

He nodded, going into the bathroom, leaving the door open anyway. He washed the both of them up, coming out with a towel wrapped around his waist, Lou swaddled into a towel of her own, asleep against his chest. 

He eyed Peter on the floor with a sad smile.

Peter stared up at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of the water splishing and splashing while the pair bathed. He could hear the soft coos from the baby, getting softer as she drifted. His own eyelids drifted closed, only stirring a bit when he felt eyes on him.

"Not nice to stare, Sam," he hummed, peeking an eye open as he looked up at-

"Oh-! ...but if you're gonna look at me like that, I might very well forgive you in a heartbeat," he purred softly, wriggling a little as he felt a different sort of warmth work it's way through him.

The water glinted on Sam's body, even in the mostly dark of the house. He was wearing only a towel and god _damn_ was he built like a god...

Sam awkwardly shifted, holding on to his towel feeling a bit self conscious. "Sorry, thought you were asleep." He looked away sheepishly. "You looked peaceful." He commented, shifting his hold on the baby.

"Why are you on the floor?" He asked, stepping away, not trying to give the other man a view up his towel.

"Mm... I'm not really sure but, I always feel really at peace when I lay sprawled out on the ground. It's like my body is just used to that, and muscle memory I guess gets eaten away slower than actual memories?" He sighed, pushing himself up on his elbows, still looking at Sam in appreciation.

"You may be a dad, but let me be the one to say _damn_ it looks good on you. Dadhood, and everything else."

Was that too forward?  
He kind of expected a shock or some sort of pain in response to his words.

Sam felt his face heat up, holding his towel tighter. "Fuck dude... you have to make it weird?" He breathed a laugh, looking down to make sure Lou was still sound asleep. 

"Weren't you the one telling me staring was rude?" He teased, deciding he'd go back to bed before further embarrassment. 

He wasn't sure if Peter was teasing or what his orientation was. Don't be gross Sam. He relies on you for everything right now.

Peter barked a laugh and dropped from his elbows, starfishing out on the ground with a heavy sigh.

"Sorry, sorry, you're right. Shouldn't be a rude hypocrite," he chuckled, raising a hand and waving it like a white flag. "Doesn't mean what I said doesn't still hold true. The compliment stays, even if my eyes can't," he hummed, dropping his hand over his chest.

"G'night, Sam. Sorry again, for wakin the both of ya. I'll try bein more quiet when I gotta get up and rid myself of my otherwordly guts again."

"Don't worry about it. Really, it's no bother to either of us. And Lou will get over it. It's not like she really understands how day and night works anyway." Sam shrugged, going up the stairs. 

He set Lou on the bed, making sure he was facing away from the main room before dropping his towel and getting himself dressed in some clean pants.

He changed Lou into a diaper and some pajamas before climbing back into bed and turning out the light.

Peter watched the light up above him, the shadow of the man moving around, but didn't pry further. When the light went out, a small smile touched his lips, despite that odd cold that had settled in his chest.

Closing his eyes, he eventually fell asleep, spread out on the floor like an idiot.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked, and so you shall receive!!
> 
> So sorry it took so long to update this  
> I've got a lot going on and it's just me doing the uploads and editing for mine and mewsifer's fics
> 
> and let me tell you - being an essential worker in these crazy times really sucks the life and energy right out of me! 😅
> 
> But it was so nice to come on today and see comments in my inbox, and @AzraelOniKidd, thank you for giving me the motivation to add more onto this one ♡  
> here's for you!

Sam woke in the morning, making a small breakfast for them. Usually now was the time he got himself ready for the day, deciding if he'd make some deliveries or stay at home and do some work. 

He figured leaving Higgs alone wasn't such a good idea. So, he got himself going with some eggs and toast, and some mild oatmeal for the other man.

Peter was up and kneeling on the floor by the couch, his back completely straight and his head bowed slightly. It was a practiced stance, clearly.

He was so used to being on a schedule, a regiment. Where were the starts of the experiments? Greetings to the subject – observations of how the subject had spent the night, or his levels of contamination, readout of his vitals.

How did he even go about... doing anything else, now?

"What are you doing over there?" Sam asked carefully, watching him cautiously. He was afraid he'd let a still violent man into his home. 

"Gonna come have breakfast?" He asked quietly, sitting himself down, holding Lou to give her her bottle.

Confused by the gentle voice, _asking_ instead of ordering, Peter remembered his new situation.  
Remembered he wasn't there anymore and that Sam wasn't– he hadn't even used the collar that surely Deadman gave him the remote to, and he'd had several opportune reasons to use it, even.

"S-Sorry, I just–" he very uneasily got himself out of his kneeling position, trying to force himself to relax and move to the kitchen with the man and his baby. "I... I don't know how this works...."

"Breakfast?" Sam asked, a little confused. "Kinda similar to dinner but in the morning." He smiled up at him, just standing there. 

"Sit. Eat while its hot." He nodded to the bowl, eating his own meal with his free hand. 

"I guess we should talk about what's going on here then. Probably make things a little easier for you? Lay down some ground rules and the like?"

Eagerly, Peter sat down and dug into his food, something a bit similar to the protein paste, but with a bit more texture and substance. It wasn't awful, but wasn't peanutbutter and jelly.

"Yes, ground rules and the like would be easier for me to understand, for me to figure out how to... live outside of that chamber."

"Ok... uh..." Sam frowned, not quite sure what they should be. "I guess basics, securities stay on. The scanners around the house work kind of like MULE scanners? You'll get shocked if you go beyond them. That's for both our safety." He explained, pointing to his own neck to refer to the collar around Higgs'.

"No going outside after dark. Make sure you don't leave the door open or you have Lou when you do go out." He explained, tapping his chin in thought. 

"I guess bathroom times are private. Don't go upstairs without asking–that's mine and Lou's area. Don't use anything that you don't know how? I guess that's really it." He shrugged, thinking there really wasn't anything he was worried about.

"Absolutely no dying. We don't want all that chiralium near the damn house. Last thing we need is to lure the fucking BTs here." He huffed, nodding and deciding that was it. 

"What about yours?"

Peter touched the collar around his neck, his fingertips brushing over it as he listened to Sam's voice, his ground rules and boundaries. It was all pretty basic, and relatively self explanatory if Peter had actually sat and thought about it, probably.

...but he got caught up when–

"Wait, what about mine, what?" He asked, shaking his head as he set his spoon down to look up at Sam, brow furrowed in confusion.

"All of that makes sense and I'll do my best to follow all of those rules and boundaries. Not like they're outlandish or anything, anyway."

"What are your ground rules?" Sam asked as if it were obvious. "What don't you want us to do? Boundaries and all that." He tried to be more specific. 

"I don't particularly like to be touched... still getting over a phobia." He explained, looking down at Lou. "What about you?"

"I... I get to...make ground rules and boundaries, too?" He asked, sounding so damn confused and surprised by this notion.

"The subject isn't allowed to– I'm...I'm not..." he bit his lip, shaking his head. "I don't know, right now. I don't think I have any..."

"If you decide on some you can let me know. You don't have to know now." Sam reassured, setting the now empty bottle to the side, eating his own food. 

"For now, I think some sun would do you some good. Want to play with Lou while I get some stuff done?" He asked hopefully, still trying to get the two to bond. 

She'd have to learn to like him, just as he did.

"Just not beyond the scanners," he nodded, finishing up his food quickly before pushing out of his seat and smiling as he held his arms out for the little lady.

"Not really sure what little ladies like to do for fun, but I'm sure we can figure something out, can't we, princess?" He hummed, scooping her up carefully as he had seen Sam do plenty of times before.

"Will you– Will you come get us when you need something or call for us or...?"

"I'll be out in just a bit. Just going to get the kitchen cleaned up and then I'll do some yard work." Sam smiled, enjoying the nervousness of the other man. 

"You'll be fine. She really likes the toys that jingle. Try not to get your hair too close to her though, she'll pull." He warned, handing her off and getting himself up. "Just in the grass outside is good. Or on the porch, whichever. Don't let her sleep yet or she won't go down for her nap later."

Nodding, his eyes still wide with the nerves, he hugged the little baby protectively to his chest and made his way out the door, feeling a panic set in his chest when he was out of Sam's view, and with his baby...

"So, little princess. Grass or porch? I've probably been in grass before but I don't remember it, so that's where my vote is, but you're the deciding factor here."

Lou simply glared at him, recognizing his face and seeing all the chiral energy he gave off. She didn't trust him for a minute. 

Sam couldn't help that nagging feeling in his stomach, worried terribly about Lou. He knew she was right outside and that the two couldn't get far, but he hadn't been away from her since— well, it had been a long time.

Groaning at that glare, Peter huffed a breath out his nose. "Fine! Glare at me instead of working with me, I'm used to that!" He grumbled, carrying the angry little monster to a nice grassy patch.

He set her down carefully, plopping down with her, crossing his long legs. The grass wasn't overly soft, but it wasn't overly scratchy, he supposed. Certainly better than the hard cold floor of the testing chamber.  
"I nabbed you a few toys – your dad said you like the ones that make sound...?" He set the toys in the grass in front of the pouty baby, worrying his lower lip between his teeth, the sunlight catching on the golden ones just slightly.

"...you gonna always hate me, little lady? I wish I knew what I did, so I could make up for it, or try... apologize, at least. Genuinely. But..." he hung his head slightly. "Look, I'm trying, okay? I know I must've been a real awful man – you don't torture an innocent man the way they tortured me, so I at least know I screwed up bad but... I don't want to be that person anymore."

Talking to a baby.  
What has his world come to?

Sam worked quick, coming back out with some water for Peter to sit and watch them play a minute. Apparently, she was going to have a grass day.  
He listened in on the conversation, feeling like he was breaching some sort of privacy. It felt wrong to hear his conversation with Lou, but at the same time, warmed his heart. 

He could just hear the honesty and desperation in his voice. "She seems to be taking a shine to you." He hummed, making it seem like he was just now coming out. "Thirsty?" He asked, handing him over a glass of water. 

"Can't tell if she's mean mugging you, or pooping." He teased, squatting on the ground next to him. "At least she hasn't hit you yet."

Peter jumped slightly when he heard Sam's voice, his cheeks going a little red from embarrassment, hoping he hadn't overheard the stupid crap he was saying to Lou a moment ago.

"Oh uh... you think she's taking a shine to me?" He asked, accepting the water as he glanced to the still somewhat grumpy looking baby. "I'll have to take your word on that. She's a good listener, though," he sighed and smiled at her before drinking some of the water, experiencing the same sort of after-effect thirst as he had the night previous.

Taking a sip made him want more and more until suddenly all the water was gone and he didn't remember drinking it all.

"She's a hitter, huh? Tough little lady won't need no man to be her strength when she's grown."

"Not a fucking chance." Sam laughed, looking her over playfully. "Part of me wants to see her be a porter, the other part hopes she can live a comfortable life indoors." He smiled, looking over to her and shaking one of her toys, the little one reaching for it.

"She was a BB, if you know what that is. She's almost a year out of her pod. But she was young... I think. Too hard to tell." He hummed, smiling at her. "She shouldn't be alive, but here she is. My precious little lady."

"A... BB? Year out of her pod...?" Peter furrowed his brow, shaking his head. "All seems like maybe something I should know, but I just... _don't_. All the same, she's got your fighting spirit. No surprise that she's alive against the odds," he chuckled, a fond look in his eyes and in the tone of his voice.

Despite not remembering them, or knowing them well at all, some residual fondness remained deeply ingrained in him for Sam. ...otherwise, he really was just a soft idiot now, desperation for affection even in the approval of an infant that glared at him.

"Anyway, she could be a porter _and_ have a comfortable life to come home to. Ain't that an option?"

"I guess it is, now." Sam turned and smiled at her happily. "Even retired old men like me are able to just rest now." He poked her in the belly. "It's just shit work." He laughed, standing up again, taking a sip from his own water before handing it over to Peter. 

"You can finish that. I'm going to go clean some stuff up out here. Once she gets fussy, she can go down for her nap." He explained, giving his arms a stretch. 

"Shout if you need anything, I won't be far."

"Oh-Oh! Thank you. And, okay. Should I... call for you when she gets fussy, or are you asking me to try to lay her down for a nap...?" He asked, trying to clarify.  
He didn't want to go anywhere with the little one and have Sam worrying when he didn't come back and find them right here.

Being alone with the baby was difficult for him – she didn't talk, and didn't even like him enough to feign interest in his words or what he tried to play with her. What was he supposed to do? Just... fucking deal with it, probably. Suck it up and attempt to keep her happy. So Sam would be happy, would think he was recovering and could more quickly send him out into the world on his way.

...he felt like he was constantly intruding on his life, being a burden.

"Yeah, just kinda, rock her a bit. If that doesn't work, just lay her down on your chest on her belly." He smiled, looking at her. "A quick little nap out here during the day is pretty nice." He hummed, wanting him to be comfortable. To have some of these little pleasures. 

"If she still won't fall asleep, then call for me. But I think you could do just fine."

Sam's confidence in him was... touching, but also completely overwhelming.  
Nodding, he smiled and waved Sam off, trying not to look as terrified and nervous as he felt.

He played and talked with Lou a while longer before she started to get fussy, just as Sam had said she would. When that happened, he carefully scooped her up and laid back in the grass with her, one arm tucked behind his head, the other holding the baby on his chest.

"This alright, princess? Comfy?"

When there was nothing more for him to do outside, and he was starting to get too hot to do anything without a break anyway, he made his way back to where Peter and Lou had been. 

He hummed in approval, seeing the both of them passed out in the grass. He laid down next to them, just happy to watch them both sleep peacefully.

He hadn't realized he'd drifted to sleep with her on his chest, until he felt the shift of the grass beside him, Sam's familiar scent filling his nose.

"Hey Sammy," he murmured sleepily, rolling his head towards the other man, his eyelids fluttering slightly, though he definitely was nowhere near awake. A soft snore followed the shifting of his body, running his fingers gently over Lou's back to soothe her, already damn near instinctual.

Sam watched Peter, glad he was so gentle with her. She seemed sound asleep for now, enjoying the warmth the other man gave off. 

He let him drift back to sleep, just resting with Lou for a while, watching quietly, feeling a warmth bubbling in his chest. He left them like that until she started to wake, fussing a bit for a diaper change, calling out for her dad.

Peter grumbled softly when the little one started to fuss, squirming around on his chest, not finding it suitably comfortable anymore.  
Pushing himself up, he scooped her in his arms and carried her inside, searching around for Sam.

"Sam? Sam! Your little lady requires your attention!" He called, all while the little one in his arms continued to fuss and call out for Sam in her own ways.

"Sorry, but I'm not sure what she needs, otherwise I'd do what I could to soothe her... seems she really would rather want you though?"

He could still feel the warm place on his chest where she had previously been sleeping so soundly. Maybe... maybe there was hope after-all.

"Dada?" Sam asked her, holding his arms out for her, taking her from Peter. 

"Oh! Stinky baby!" He laughed, holding her at arms length. "Want to learn how to change a diaper?" He grinned to Peter, enjoying the way the fear settled in.

Swallowing heavily, he sucked in a breath and gave a firm, life sentencing nod. "Yeah alright, might as well learn some life skills," he chuckled sheepishly, biting the inside of his cheek, the golden tooth easily cutting through and drawing acidic blood into his mouth.

Sam showed Peter how to be more useful around the house. Cooking, cleaning, caring for the baby. It made his own life easier, able to do more deliveries and not have to bring Lou with him, he could bring more home and spoil the two waiting for him at home. 

Coming back to a warm home, with someone there to come back to, was very good for Sam's general health. And Higgs seemed to be getting better too. 

His eyes were shinier, his hair thicker, his body fuller, he wasn't a skeleton with skin anymore. There was pink to his cheeks again, the black veins had turned to gray, then purple and they were almost back to blue again. But something wasn't right. 

He was still sick almost nightly, he still had those dark circles around his eyes, becoming exhausted and paranoid too quickly. There was only a little more of the medicine left, he shouldn't be like this. 

But Sam was having bigger problems. The healthier Higgs got, the better he looked, the more Sam would let himself imagine.

He could keep himself in check all day long, tell himself it wasn't anything, but there were some nights where his unconscious mind wandered in his dreams. Where he'd wake up, either hard and aching, or wet and sticky like a damn teenager. 

The particular dream of the night, Higgs was using his mouth, part of that old, snarky behavior there along with his new eagerness to please. Biting and teasing, it was so good but something was bothering him about it. Something was off and he couldn't tell. Was it the color of his eyes? The absolute wrongness of the situation? 

When he woke up, a mess of himself, hoping he didn't make noise during these dreams, he laid in bed, trying to figure it out. 

When it hit him, he set Lou on the bed, getting up and going down the stairs, pulling Peter's lips apart. 

"Teeth!"

Clenching his jaw unconsciously, Peter's eyes flew open, his body tense until he realized it was just — Sam?

"S-Sam...?" He asked, trying to wriggle his way away from the other man's fingers pulling his lips open like that. "The fuck you doin?" He added, with a little playful touch to his tone, despite the strangeness of the situation.

Things had been progressing well, smoothly in fact. He was getting better, slowly but surely, and he actually felt useful and needed around the house. Sam had been doing deliveries again now that Peter could watch Lou without help. He could make food, and could clean.

If he didn't know any better, he might teasingly say that he felt like a stay at home husband – but that might get him shocked, still, or slapped at the very least.

Anyway, recovery was going well and he was feeling a lot better than when he first came to Sam's home, but... he wasn't 100%. He was still missing a lot of his memories, which still might be for the better, and he was still waking up every night to spew out his guts into the shower.

"Wha abou teef?"

"The teeth were wrong!" Sam laughed as if it made all the sense in the world, blushing brightly at having said that out loud. 

"Your teeth are making you sick. They're made of chiralium. We're going to have to pull them. I'll give Deadman a call and see if we can't get you set up for new ones." He explained, poking around in Peter's mouth, looking around for other golden teeth.

Peter whimpered quietly, wriggling beneath Sam a little as he continued to poke around within his mouth. It seemed... intimate or whatever, and he could feel warmth in his cheeks.

"The 'eef were wron?" He asked, brow furrowed. "I don' undershtan... you 'alkin those gol 'eef?"

The gold teeth he'd seen in the mirror only that once, when he saw what a monster he looked like, inside and out. ...he hadn't looked in the mirror since then.

"Yeah, they're making you sick." Sam frowned, finally pulling his fingers out of Peter's mouth. "We'll have to pull them... do you want to wait for replacements and pain killers? Or just do it now?"

His heart fluttered in his chest, an anticipation and anxiety bubbling up like the tar did, and he bit his lips closed, swallowing that feeling back.

"Might as well just uhm... just pull em now, then, that's fine," he murmured.

What was a little pain, anyway? Sam hadn't really hurt him since being here now, so it would be... it'd be fine.

Sam frowned, looking around the room, suddenly realizing he was still in his dirty pants. 

"I'm gonna change my clothes really quick, get Lou settled in her pen and we can do this. Go sit in the kitchen?"

Peter nodded, groggily pushing himself up off of the couch to go move his way to the kitchen, sitting in one of the chairs to wait for Sam.

"Is she gonna be okay being down here...?"

"Yeah. She'll be in here. She won't even see." He frowned, going up the stairs, changing his pants and grabbing her to put Lou in her pen. 

"Alright... are you sure about this?" He asked, looking for the pliers. He stood in front of Peter, waiting for his answer. 

"We could wait... it's going to hurt."

"I ain't stupid," he gruffed, leaning back in his chair and parting his lips, opening his mouth nice and wide as he closed his eyes.

It was about as close as giving permission as he was going to get, as his hands trembled in his lap. He'd rather Sam do this, than possibly bringing Deadman in and having him do it. Deadman had been there when Bridges was doing all that shit to him, and sure he'd been the one to get him out but...

"Rather it be you, rather it be now, so just... fuckin do it, _please_."

Sam groaned, stepping up close and holding Peter's jaw open with one hand the pliers in the other. "Take a deep breath..." he warned, getting a good hold on the tooth. 

"I'll pull on three. One...two..." and he pulled just before three, feeling sick at the sight of all that blood, the sound he'd made at the pain of it. 

Once the one was pulled, he soothed his jaw with a gentle hand. "Shh, it's alright. One more and then you're done. Ready?"

"Fff-! Bas-ard! You sai' on _three_!" He whined, squeezing his eyes closed as he felt the burst of iron and chiralium in his mouth, the pain following like a flash of lightning through his body quickly after.

A choked sob wracked through him, his hands clenching in his lap. He let out a few breaths to calm himself, before nodding. "Alrigh, alrigh... 'o a'ain."

Sam frowned, feeling terrible. He knew the anticipation always made the pain so much worse. He changed his angle, turning to get at the second one a little better. 

"Jeeze... fuck this one is really in there. Are you really sure you want me to..." he pulled it out, trying to distract Peter from the pain. He quickly set the pliers to the side, gently rubbing at his shoulders, trying to soothe the pain. 

"I'm sorry, it's all done now..." he reassured, trying to help. "I think I might have something for you to wash your mouth out. There's some whiskey here somewhere. You did so well..." he praised, trying to do anything to ease the guilt of hurting him.

Another strangled sob pulled from him as another shock of pain shot through his body, the break away from the chiral matter, the break away from the teeth he had become used to.  
His head lolled back, his eyelids closing as he panted softly.

"Ffffffuck...." he breathed, his eyelids fluttering open again to stare at the ceiling before he moved his gaze to Sam. "Was that cathartic for you, at all?" He asked, genuinely curious and not in any way judging.  
He still didn't know about himself, beyond that he was an awful person and definitely killed people.

"....the hell made you realize my teeth were the problem, anyway?"

"Not at all... feel a little sick actually..." Sam frowned, bringing over a cup of whiskey. "Rinse and spit it out." He offered, sitting across from him, looking at the bloody teeth sitting on the kitchen table. 

He shifted awkwardly, trying to think of a reason that wouldn't be too telling. "I don't know... just had one of those things where you kinda wake up, realizing something." He lied simply, though it was a half truth. 

"Feel any different yet?" He asked, trying to avoid further questions.

Sam was hiding something, but who was Peter to push and question the man that was helping him get back on his feet?

Instead, he took the alcohol in his mouth, sloshed it around and downed it instead of spitting it out.

"Guess I should thank you, then. For realizing it and pulling em out for me," he chuckled, letting his head fall back against the chair again, closing his eyes. "....I dunno. Little light headed, but that's probably from the blood..."

"Yeah... you might want to lay down a bit. Want something for the blood?" Sam offered, feeling a bit awkward still.

"It'll feel weird until Deadman gets here with the replacements." He sympathized, looking at him softly. "Might be back to baby food for you." He teased lightly, watching him carefully.

Sleepily, Peter huffed a chuckle, shaking his head slowly. "Say that like it's a bad thing, Sammy. That baby food you make for the little princess is damn good food," he purred, his words slurring slightly as he seemed to fight with consciousness.

"You're really....amazin'... y'know?"

Sam frowned, not feeling particularly amazing. He felt wrong, having dreams like that about a man who was reliant on him. It felt dirty and like he was taking advantage of a situation. 

"I'm really not... lets get you back to the couch. Maybe you'll feel better after you get some rest." He stood, offering his hand to the other man, leading him back to get some rest.

"Would you like to sleep in the bed for a bit? I'm going to get up now I think." He offered, wanting Peter to know he was still welcome here, even when he got better.

"That's breakin the boundary rules. Couch is jus' fine. Floor, even. Jus drop me any ol where and I'll sleep this off, 's fine," Peter breathed, leaning against Sam as he seemed to be draining of energy quickly.

The chiralium those teeth had been consistently sending through his system was suddenly cut off and he felt like he was crashing a bit from a high. It didn't feel great, honestly...

"Go take care of Lou –I'll get myself up in a little."

Sam huffed, rolling his eyes and lifting Peter's feet out from under him. He carried him up the stairs, tucking him into the bed. 

"Its not breaking a boundary if you're invited, you idiot." He breathed a laugh, turning the light off and making his way downstairs. 

He cleaned up the kitchen, properly disposing of the teeth, and then going back and checking on Lou. He scooped her up, taking her to sit on the couch with him, quietly reading his emails to her.

Peter slept soundly in the bed, the softest damn surface he had ever been allowed to lay himself down on and damn it smelled like Sam, which was a beautiful addition to it all.  
He smelled like what Peter now considered home, and he smelled like safety and comfort and warmth and he could just stay curled up here in these sheets and blankets forever.

...if he didn't have to, you know... give the bed back.

Eventually, his body leveled itself out through sleep, and he had to rush from the bed to the bathroom to get rid of that excess chiral tar.

Sam stirred, sitting up after having drifted to sleep, Lou looking and pointing to the bathroom. 

"Peter?" He called, getting up to go check on him. "Oh man... that's it... get it all out." He frowned, sitting down next to him, rubbing soothing circles on his back, Lou joining in. 

"Want me to run you a bath?" He offered, after it seemed he was done.

Hanging his head against the side of the tub, panting softly, he huffed a smile, looking to Sam and then the little lady at his side as well.

"Sorry... hopefully this'll be the last time of that, hm?" He breathed, wiping the back of his hand against his mouth. "...don't think I'd turn down a bath, if you don't mind me hoggin the bathroom for that bit longer to just soak?" He asked, sitting back on his legs, letting out a breath.  
"Don't mind more alone time with your daddy, do ya, princess?"

Sam smiled at the name, her finally having come around to him. "I'm sure she'll live." He teased, pushing a kiss to her head. 

"Should we make Peter a nice bath?" He asked, getting her up, letting him still lay by the shower, turning to the tub and starting the water. 

"Do you want some bubbles? Lou really likes the bubbles... and they're pretty nice to have too." He smiled, knowing he was the one with the preference. 

A nice tub was the one thing he knew he needed when he put the house together. Before that, hot springs were to only thing that got that chill from the rain and BTs out of his bones.

"Hey, if the lady likes some bubbles, who'm I to deny myself some? Never had a bubble bath, I don't think," he chuckled, standing up to spray his face off in the shower quickly before turning back to Sam and Lou.

Teasingly, he stuck his tongue out at the little baby when she glanced back at him.

"...Hey, Sam? I really uh... I appreciate all this that you're doin for me. Lettin me use your bed, especially. That was the best damn sleep I've had. Full stop."

"Yeah? I'm just glad you're getting some rest." Sam smiled, sitting on the edge of the tub, looking him over gently.

"If you want you can take your naps up there. I'll let you up there durning the day." He offered, watching Lou stick her tongue out and blow a raspberry.

With a little laugh, Peter mirrored the baby, sticking his tongue out again and blowing a raspberry, with the addition of putting his hands up by his ears and wiggling his fingers at her.

"I... I don't wanna push it, ya know? Don't wanna get used to sleepin up there. Would be bad if I did and then suddenly the couch wasn't good enough or somethin," he laughed sheepishly, shaking his head.  
"This was a special exception and... I just wanted you to know I appreciated it."

"Maybe sometimes then?" Sam offered, trying to get the point across that he wanted Peter to start to push boundaries. He wanted him to be comfortable, wanted him to know that this was his home now. 

Wanted him to know he was wanted here. 

"But I understand. Maybe we should set you up with a room soon... unless you have better places to be once you're better."

"I don't have anythin', Sammy. No life, no past, no future really. ...Can keep helpin you with the little lady if you'll let me, but beyond that I... I'm not sure what I'd even do out in the world," he smiled sheepishly, all of that finally weighing down on him.

He was a burden on Sam, and he couldn't even get the hell away and stop being that, because he didn't know how to survive in the world out there.

"...I'll take you up on a nap in your bed sometimes, though. But only sometimes!"

"I hate to say I'm happy to hear that, but... well Lou's really gotten used to having you around, and I really like the help." Sam shifted, not really good with sharing his emotions.

"And I like having you here. I like the company." He admitted, feeling a little open, afraid he'd laugh or say he didn't feel the same.

Peter's cheeks warmed a bit, a smile pulling at his lips as he felt the tension in his body relax. "I... so... are you saying that, even when I feel fully better and all that, I can... I can still stay here? With you and Lou?"

Sam nodded, feeling a little more anxious. "I mean... if you wanted to. I'd want you to I mean. Yeah." He chewed his lip, his attention turning to the water again as it started to get almost too high. 

He shut it off, standing up and looking the tub over. "Alright, I'll let you be."

Peter got up quickly and reached for Sam, being carefully to grab his shirt and not his skin.

"...thank you, Sam," he murmured quietly. "For everything, but...you've given me a home and I don't even know what to do with that except be grateful and do everything I can to make sure that I'm worthy of that. I know I wasn't, in my past. But...I want to be, now. I want to be worth all this."

With a nod, he released Sam's shirt and turned to take off his own, and his pants, so he could take the nice warm bath Sam had set up for him. Maybe feel a little bit closer to human again.

Sam lingered, hating himself as he watched Peter undress, enjoying the pink of his skin, his ribs slowly becoming less visible, his hips getting just a little rounder. It was satisfying to know it was partially because of him that he looked like that. That he was healthier because of his care. 

He left the bathroom quickly, feeling the shame burn hot in his chest and on his cheeks. He felt so wrong he didn't even want to hold Lou, setting her down in her pen, letting her watch something on the tv as he went to the kitchen to go busy himself with something, anything to keep his mind wandering back to how it felt to have Peter's hand on his shirt, the heat of him so damn close, being so respectful of his personal space. 

What the hell was wrong with him?

Letting himself sink into the water, Peter heard the TV come on, a smile tugging at his lips as he pictured Sam and Lou curled up on the couch together, cozy and warm just like he was, here in his bath.  
He was right about the bubbles. The bubbles made everything feel so good, smell so good... he felt himself drifting to sleep in the tub, slipping deeper into the too deep water.

Sam cleaned all he could, doing some meal prepping and anything he could think of to keep busy. He wondered how much longer Peter would want to be on the tub, wondering if the water was still even warm. 

He decided a cup of tea was an excellent excuse to check up on him, holding the cup and knocking on the door. When he didn't get an answer, he pushed it open, dropping the mug when he didn't see his head above the water anymore. 

He started to panic, reaching into the water, pulling him up and out and onto the cold floor. "Peter?"

The man was silent and still for more than a few seconds, but after a moment, he shuddered and coughed heavily, curling onto his side and coughing up the warm water.

He gasped, grasping at the floor and sucking in breaths.

"S-Sam! Sam! I'm... s-sorry I got so comfortable... I guess I fell asleep..."

Sam felt his hands shaking, grabbing the other man by his shoulders and pulling him up to himself, wrapping his arms around him tightly. "You scared the shit out of me..." he breathed, tucking Peter's head under his chin, squeezing him tight.

Peter's cheeks burned a bright red as he curled into Sam, wrapping his arms around the other man. Breathing him in, he stifled a few more coughs. "M'sorry... Guess I shouldn't fall asleep in a fuckin bath," he breathed a laugh through his nose.

Sam's body was so... so warm. So... muscular.

Shit, shut up, Peter.

Sam relaxed, just holding him until his heart slowed down, the tension easing out of his body. "Let's get you dried off. I'll get your clothes and a blanket and we can watch something." He let Peter go, getting him a towel before leaving the bathroom. 

He wasn't gone long, getting him his clothes and helping him dress. He knew the other man was perfectly capable of dressing himself now, but he'd just had quite the scare.

"You alright, Sammy? I'm sorry I-" Peter bit his lower lip, looking down as Sam helped him put his clothes on, just like when he had first been here. It had been a while since Sam helped him get dressed like this.  
He wasn't complaining, though, it was nice having Sam worrying about him, caring about him.

"I'm sorry I worried you...Are you okay?"

Sam looked up at him and nodded, feeling that gnawing in his stomach ever since they'd lost the connection to Amelie.

He worried that they'd stop to repatriate. He'd been extra careful, almost sure Lou was one too, but he'd hopefully never find out. He worried she'd take that from them too. Everytime he died, he worried he wouldn't come back, leaving Lou behind with nothing. 

Having Peter so close to it just now, if he hadn't, was terrifying. He didn't want to lose him.

"I'll be alright... you just gave me a big scare, that's all. You almost broke one of the rules too."

His eyes widened when Sam mentioned that it would've been a broken rule. He forgot about that... dying was against the rules that Sam had laid down at the beginning.  
"What...what would you have to do if I broke the rules...? You never actually said..." he murmured quietly, chewing the inside of his cheek, looking down at his feet.

Would he use the collar then? Would he have to beat him? Have to do some other awful thing that Peter couldn't even think of on the spot like this?

"I died so much under Bridges care, I forget that dying actually still has matter...."

Sam frowned, feeling even worse that Peter thought he could hurt him. "I'd probably have done exactly what I did anyway, but I might have cried." He frowned, pulling him to his chest again. 

"You're not going to get punished if you break the rules... they're barely rules." He sighed heavily, realizing Peter thought he'd hurt him this whole time.

"But..." Peter furrowed his brow a bit, relaxing against Sam, his breathing slowing down, his heart slowing as well. "But if there's no punishments to breaking the rules, then how...? How are you going to teach Lou not to break rules?" He asked, tilting his head, his focus going to Lou's future, instead of himself.

"I guess a little smack on her butt wouldn't hurt her." Sam laughed, trying not to think of that for Peter. 

"Uh... but I'm hoping she'll understand the reasons why I have rules. I don't think I'll be too strict, and she's incredibly smart. I think she'd understand. And I hope she knows and cares that breaking the rules would disappoint me."

"To my fairness... I didn't _mean_ to almost die..." he muttered, chewing his lower lip as he leaned into Sam a bit before pulling away again, smiling at the other man.

"But, well... you could smack my butt if you need to really get the idea across that I shouldn't sleep in the bath anymore," he purred, something in him teasing out.

In all this time, he hadn't really so non-subtly flirted with Sam. Sure, there had been looks, mild teases or taunts, but never had he been quite so bold, not like he used to be.

Sam felt his cheeks heat up, tempted to agree to it. It felt so much like a tease, like the other man knew something he shouldn't.

He looked away in shame, having wanted something he couldn't and shouldn't have. But why'd it have to hurt so much? What was his punishment?

"I um... I should get started with dinner." He looked for an out, awkwardly shuffling to the kitchen. It was early, but he could always use the excuse of going out to make some deliveries.

Peter's heart damn near stopped in his chest, his breath catching. A moment to collect himself and he caught Sam's shirt again, his face twisting into worry.

"I'm sorry! I'm sorry...I don't know why I said that– it was stupid. I didn't– I mean... well some part of me definitely meant that, but I..." he chewed his lower lip and sighed, looking to where his hand was holding Sam's shirt, keeping him there and close. "I shouldn't have said it, I'm sorry. Please forget I did and... and let me help you get ready for making dinner?"

Sam blinked, that shame starting to squeeze his heart, making it almost painful to look at him. 

"No, it's fine. I... maybe we should talk boundaries again later?" He suggested, wondering if his interest was something he could even express without making Peter uncomfortable. It wasn't like he had anywhere else to go and while Sam could live with his naughty dreams and the self hatred that came with them, he couldn't live with himself knowing Peter wasn't comfortable around him. 

"You can help with dinner if you want... or you can just relax." He offered, not sure what he really wanted any more.

_Boundaries._  
Right, of course...

"Yeah, I mean- yeah. We can tall boundaries again later. After dinner?" He asked, realizing that, shit... they were probably going to talk about him not saying those kinds of things.  
Sam might rescind that offer of his bed for occasional naps. Might put more space between them wherever possible now.

.... _God_ he really fucked up.

Releasing Sam's shirt again, Peter followed him to the kitchen, still definitely wanting to help. He wanted to be close while he was still allowed that.

Sam let Peter help, getting them into a routine of cooking together. "Want to get Lou for me while I finish this?" He asked, finishing something up in a pot, getting it in a plate for Lou and getting their ready too. 

He loved any excuse to see his little one in Peter's arms, watching her warm up to him over time. He was almost convinced she liked him more, but he was still the one she asked for the most.

Peter made his way into the other room, scooping up the little girl from her pen.  
"C'mere little monkey– daddy made us some foods. I even helped!" He chuckled lightly, gently pressing a kiss to her little forehead.  
Carefully, he tossed her only a little, his fingers never really leaving her, but he caught her in a dramatic fashion, gasping as he did so. "Whoa! You were almost flyin, monkey!"

Would that make him Wicked Witch of the West?

Sam watched, realizing he was hopelessly in love. How could he not be when the one thing in the world he ever really cared about looked at him like that? When she was so beautifully happy, laughing and screaming in joy and he was the cause of it. 

He'd remember to blame her later in life, maybe give her extra hugs and snacks until she was really old enough to understand everything he has is because of her. 

"Give me that little lady. She's not a monkey, she's a little worm! Little baby Lou, the wiggle worm." He reached out for her, wiggling his own shoulders, trying to get her to do that too.

Of course, the little bitty baby wiggled her shoulders to mirror her daddy, a giggle burbling up in her belly.  
Peter chuckled and wiggled her whole body towards Sam.

"Maybe she's your little wiggle worm, but she's definitely princess flying monkey to me," he snickered lightly, handing her over to Sam, nuzzling his nose against her before completely handing her over.

"You just got too much love for them fuckin worms! The... what are they... _cryptobiotes_!"

"Jokes on you. They're ground up and in the baby food." Sam smirked, smiling happily at Lou. "Yes they are! Uh huh! You got little cryptobiotes wiggling around in your tummy!" He grinned, tickling her happily, pushing a kiss to her cheek, getting her settled into her chair. 

"I put them in some of our food too. Helps with the chiral poisoning. Builds your resistance." He teased, setting the plates down. "Now shut up and eat your worms." He laughed, sitting down, looking up at Peter happily. 

Is this what life could continue to be like? Maybe he should just tell him. Just tell him how you feel, Sam. 

You damn coward.

"Oh you sly dog! Been givin me worms this whole damn time and I was bamboozled!" He chuckled, turning to look at Lou with such a dramatically betrayed look. " _Bamboozled_ , princess! Your daddy's got me bamboozled!" He winked at her playfully before taking his seat and eating his food with Sam and Lou.

They were like what someone might call a _family_.

Sam was extremely thoughtful in the things he did, the things he said. Putting the worms in to build chiral resistance in a body that had only recently recovered from the poisoning from it.  
Giving it to Lou for when she grows up and goes into the world.

Sam just watched Peter talk to Lou. He couldn't even think about his food, watching her make sounds back at him like she was talking to him. He knew she'd be talking before she should.

Probably full sentences too. Her and Peter combined, he'd never know peace again.

He could probably be happy that way. 

Once he saw the funny looks on their faces, he'd realized he was just staring, daydreaming. He shook his head clear of his thoughts smiling as he ate. 

"Would you like to sleep in the bed tonight?" He asked after they'd eaten, Peter cradling Lou as he cleaned their mess. "I'll sleep on the couch and you can have her. I'm going to leave pretty early tomorrow, that way I don't wake either of you when I leave."

Peter's cheeks flushed a little as he continues to look at Sam, the odd look from the other man's staring now twisted into a bit of excited confusion.  
At first, of course, he thought Sam was asking him to share the bed. With Sam, not Lou.  
Sharing with Lou was fine though too, of course. Wasn't like he was–

"Are you sure...? About me, having your and Lou's bed for the night, with her, I mean," he chewed his lip a little anxiously. "I've never slept with her at night. What if I move around too much for her or, I mean... and will you be able to sleep without having her close?"

Also where was he going that he needed to leave so early in the morning...? A delivery run? Or a pick up run for supplies for them?  
It wasn't like that was a new concept - Sam leaving Peter and Lou to themselves during the day while he went out to do work. That started up when Peter started showing signs of feeling much better, when he started to be able to do thing around the house for himself.

...but Sam had never left while they were still sleeping before...

"Not sure about sleeping without her. But you're small, you won't crush her and she'll let you know if she thinks you're moving too much." Sam laughed quietly. 

"I have a surprise planned. But it's a bit of a ways out, so I'll start early and get back just before dinner." He hummed, wondering if Peter could eat without those teeth. 

"Don't cook though. It'll just go to waste." He smiled, excited about his plans. It would be a long haul, but it would be worth it.

"You're being more than a little suspicious, but I'll be good and I won't pry," he chuckled lightly, bouncing the little girl on his knee, having scooped her from her chair.

"Just be careful out there, with whatever it is that you're doing," he added as he looked down at the baby, smiling at her.

He couldn't imagine what he would do if Sam didn't come back, for whatever reason. He couldn't leave, so he couldn't care for Lou forever, only until supplies ran out...

"You'll like the surprise, I promise." Sam smiled happily, remembering how angry he was when he found out all those deliveries were for Higgs. 

In retrospect, it was pretty funny. 

And at least now he knew a way to surprise the man in a way that he would enjoy.

"Well, I do rather trust you with my life, might as well also trust you with a good surprise," he hummed, swooping Lou up into the air as he stood up.  
He playfully swung her around a bit freely before pulling her back close to his chest.

"You and me, princess. Think we can handle ourselves and totally not make big huge messes of toys everywhere while your daddy is gone on his super secret surprise mission?"

"As long as you don't wreck the place." Sam teased, feeling the excitement bubbling up. He could tell Peter had been feeling a bit down lately. 

But he'd been looking so much better lately. Maybe having some attention paid to him would do him some good. A little fun after being stuck inside feeling sick all the time.

"Well, I'm going to go lay down, but you're more than welcome to stay up. I'll have a long day."

"We'll stay quiet so that you can sleep," Peter smiled, stepping over to him with little Lou. "Say night to your daddy, monkey," he hummed, handing her over so they could say their goodnight before he took the little lady to maybe watch a movie upstairs or read a book or something.

Sam smiled, giving her hugs and kisses before handing her back over. 

"I'll see you tomorrow. Don't stay up too late."

"I'll be sure we get to bed," Peter chuckled, taking Lou back and moving to upstairs so they didn't bother Sam's sleep.

They stayed up for a few hours playing and watching movies up there before Peter finally decided it was time for lights out. Lou fussed a little before they collapsed into bed together and he snuggled her to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A nice relatively long chapter as an apology for taking a while
> 
> can't wait for Sam's surprise for Peter!!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some drunk Non-Con elements and a bit of identity confusion

Sam woke in the morning, being quiet as he started breakfast up for himself and setting some to the side for Peter and Lou. He got himself strapped up and ready to go.

He headed out, the sun not even up yet as he started to one of the main cities. He'd have someone meet him just outside, a trade off of supplies and requested items. 

The sun was already starting to go down as he started his way home. He hummed, eager to get back to them, food still deliciously hot and the drinks still cold. 

He wondered what the two had been up to all day. He knew his coming up to the house set off the scanners, giving them warning of him almost home. 

He came in the door, smiling and looking around. "Anyone home?"

When they eventually woke up, Peter got Lou all clean and fresh diapered before heading down to have the breakfast Sam had set aside for them before leaving.  
The house was so quiet... Peter hated that, so he put on a movie to play in the background while they ate and then played, making a mess of the house as he played pretend with Lou. They flew over mountains and through valleys. They dived into the deepest of waters and discovered big tentacle beasts that tries to drag them down, but the strong little princess saved them, fighting off the beast!

When the scanners finally announced Sam coming home, there was a blanket cushion fort built in the living room, a movie playing, and the pair were sprawled in the fort, snoozing soundly.

There were toys spread around to show their play filled day, pillows and such were scattered like they had been used as ammunition against the imaginary intruding beasts the valiant pair had fought off today.

Sam laughed looking around his destroyed home. He could tell most of the mess was only for Peter's benefit, knowing you could hand Lou pretty much anything to keep her busy for a bit.

"Looks like you had fun."

Hearing the man's voice so close, Peter stirred in the fort, rubbing at his eyes. He perked up rather quickly when he spotted Sam, a grin pulling his lips.

"Ah! Sam! You're home!"

"I am! And I do hope you're hungry." Sam smiled, bringing the pizzas and drinks into the kitchen. 

"Exactly how you like it. Hope you still do anyway."

"Exactly how I—?" Peter scooped the still sleeping baby girl in his arms and carried her to the kitchen, rubbing at his eye again sleepily.

"You knew food stuffs that I liked?" He asked curiously, not really considering that Sam might have been that sort of close to him, previously.

"Wasn't exactly my choice. You used to place orders under an alias. Always the same... except sometimes, when you were feeling like a real prick, you got champagne." He teased, setting everything down. 

"But the guy who helps me out has a contract with the timefall farm. So I have beer too." He hummed, getting it all out. 

"Get some plates. Did Lou eat recently? We can let her sleep, just have some time to us." He offered, feeling a little shy about it.

"Yeah, we had peanut butter and jelly," he snickered. "Then she cashed out with me while we were defending the fort from the big tentacle beast trying to invade our territory. She defended us well, until sleep," he teased lightly. "Should I...put her back in the fort, or her pen, or upstairs you think?" He asked, still carrying the heavily sleeping baby as he grabbed plates for them.

He was contemplating Sam's words.  
That he used to place delivery orders, to Sam. For... for whatever the food was and champagne, evidently when he was feeling like a prick.

Sam laughed, looking over the mess. "Well, I'd like to have use of my couch. We can eat there if you'd like?" He offered, a smile on his face. 

He remembered getting yelled at as a kid for eating anywhere that wasn't the kitchen or table. But it was his house now and he could do what he wanted.

"You fix it back up, and I'll get us settled with plates."

Peter huffed and brought Lou to her pen, settling her down inside with a few of the discarded pillows and blankets, for her own mini fort. He cleaned up the bigger fort, resituating the couch before flopping into it.

"All good now. Took down the fort."

"Sorry to be the party pooper." He teased, handing a plate and glass of champagne over to the other man. 

"Hope you enjoy... kinda feel a little stupid about this. Thought it's been years since I've had any pizza."

"I guess it... hasn't been that long since I've had it? Going by what you said about the old me. But...for me as I am, this is a first and I'm really excited," he grinned, taking the plate and the champagne.

"Thank you for this, Sam. This was really thoughtful of you," he added, taking a bite of the pizza.

His eyelids fluttered closed, a quiet and somewhat obscene sound leaving him as he chewed slowly. "Oh....my god. This is so good!" He whimpered.

Sam laughed, watching him eat, helping himself to his own. He drank a bit, having walked all day feeling like he could eat the whole pizza to himself. 

"Want more?" He asked, getting up for seconds. "Put on a movie or something. More to drink too?"

"Water. Not sure I really like this bubbly stuff all that much. But I'll definitely take more of that beautiful pizza please and thanks~" he hummed, setting his plate and still half filled champagne glass to the side so he could put a movie on for them.

He, of course, picked a Lou friendly movie, because there weren't many options that weren't Lou friendly.

Sam went to the kitchen, getting himself another beer along with more pizza for the both of them. 

"There you go." He hummed, settling himself in. "Shit, can't say I've had champagne since my wedding." He laughed, taking the glass from Peter, helping himself to a few sips of it. "Its an acquired taste I think." He teased lightly, feeling himself relax as he ate and drank.

"Did you enjoy the pizza?" He asked hopefully, looking over to Peter.

_Wedding._

Peter furrowed his brow a little as he kept eating, slowing down his pace eventually until he finally set his plate aside.

"Best damn thing I've ever eaten – no offense to your bug baby food and other foods," he teased lightly, but Sam's mention of his wedding was still bugging him for some reason.

"...didn't know you were married. Or... or did I know that, and I just don't currently know that?"

Sam frowned, looking down at his plate. "Ah, was married. Don't exactly want to talk about it..." he frowned, something bothering him. "Not married anymore, though." He felt like it was important to stress that.

He finished his drink, moving on to finishing the glass of champagne completely.

Peter seemed to relax, nodding his head a bit as he leaned back against the back of the couch. "If you ever wanna talk about it, you know you can talk to me about anything," he hummed, accepting the current answer and not pushing any further.

"Think I like this movie. About the weird girl that finds out she's a princess?"

Sam nodded, not exactly listening. "Yeah..." he nodded, starting to watch the movie, scooting closer to Peter. 

He let his hand rest on the other man's knee, having wanted to do so a while now.

The touch surprised Peter, his leg jumping slightly as he glanced beside himself to Sam, his gaze dropping to the warm, strong hand on his knee. He smiled lightly and relaxed into the couch, turning his attention back to the movie as well.

Sam let his attention stray, letting his hand move up on Peter's thigh, turning to him and scooting closer. 

"You've gotten really handsome, do you know that? I'm sure you noticed." He hummed, turning to face him a little better. He looked at him, those pretty blue eyes.

A shiver ran through his body as the warmth of Sam's hand moved up further and he scooted closer, so close.

"I– you're just saying that to make me feel better about myself," he murmured, shaking his head. "I'm not... I looked like a damn monster... I'm surprised Lou could even manage to warm up to me but..." he bit his lower lip, glancing to the hand on his thigh, his heart pounding in his chest.

"You don't look like that anymore." Sam reassured, leaning into him a little more. "You haven't looked at yourself since then?" He asked, a little shocked that Peter hadn't seen the progress he'd made. 

"You really should..." he hummed, letting his fingers trail along the other man's jaw. "You need a hair cut, but you look good." He hummed, the sound deep in his chest. "Better than good."

The rise and fall of his chest was a bit more frequent as his heart pounded and his skin seemed to tingle with the soft touches of Sam's fingertips.

"You... really think so...?" He breathed softly, blinking his pretty ice blue eyes at Sam now, temporarily ignoring the movie to pay his full attentions to Sam and his words. Words that seemed to rumble in his chest as warm fingers caressed and touched him, their bodies closer together than he'd ever been with anyone besides when he carried Lou.

"I... I'll take a look next time, maybe."

"You should." Sam nodded, pushing his lips to Peter's jaw. "Look so good... just want to kiss you..." he hummed, turning his jaw toward him.

The man whimpered and squirmed a little, swallowing heavily. "S-Sam... Sammy, I– you want to kiss me...?" He asked, feeling an odd warmth moving through his body.

Sam nodded, pulling Peter to face him better, softly pushing their lips together. He took a deep breath, just breathing in the scent of the man. 

He smelt like the grass outside and a little like baby.

"So beautiful..."

He reached up, caressing Sam's face, looking to him with widened pupils, his eyes practically all dark suddenly.

"...you really mean that, don't you... that I'm beautiful...?"

Sam nodded slowly, dragging his lips across Peter's, just drunkenly kissing him. 

He was soft and careful with the other man, a little shy in his touches. "So beautiful... so much fuller. You're good with Lou, she likes you." He purred, knowing that his looks were only part of the reason he'd been so interested in Peter lately.

He breathed a soft, nervous laugh, a shiver going through his body. "You're attracted to me because I'm good with Lou?" He asked curiously, wondering if that's even what this was.

Was it attraction?  
Or... or was it just desperation. Had Sam been with anyone in this sort of a sense in a long time?

He hummed, pressing Peter back into the couch, trying to move on top of him for a better angle at his lips. 

"Is there anything else that you need to be?" He asked, wiggling him down onto the couch, feeling a little dizzy as he moved, head swimming. 

"You're good with her and that's all that matters. Doesn't hurt that you're gorgeous too..." he hummed, cupping his face, pushing soft kisses to Peter's jaw. "You never did like your face... all bullshit."

He gasped softly, his body tensing a little as Sam pressed him into the couch, straddling his lap.

"I... didn't like my face, even before this?" He asked, his voice sounding breathy. His body was reacting very positively to Sam and what he was doing. The heat between them, the press of Sam against him so solid and warm.

He could die, right here, right now, and dear god...

"Are you... do you... want me, Sam?"

Sam nodded, working his mouth up to Peter's wanting to taste him. 

"Yes. Think about you a lot..." he breathed, just dragging their lips together. "Everything's moving too fast right now... just want this." He whispered, running his thumb along his cheek.

"You... think about me? _A lot_?" That wasn't something he was expecting to hear, that was for sure. What sorts of things did Sam think about him for? What scenarios?

He felt his cheeks warm and his lips go a little tingly. He leaned up a bit, capturing Sam's lips with his own, unintentionally rolling their hips together.

Sam let out a low groan at the feeling, his tongue licking at Peter's lips, wanting more. 

The room felt like it was spinning, his heart pounding in his chest. He let his hands wander up and through the other man's hair.

Another shudder ran through Peter's body, pulled out by that groan that rumbled through Sam, and his wandering hands and just... just everything. He felt like he was catching fire and slowly burning away and Sam was fueling that fire, helping him to burn.

"What sorts of things do you think about, when you think about me, Sammy?"

Sam let out another low groan, his mouth moving down to kiss at Peter's throat. 

"Your mouth. Your hands... you under me, making that noise..." he breathed, rolling his hips against the other man, just to hear that sound again. The one that was better than his dreams. 

"I dream about you, anything you want me to do to you, I think I would. I'd give you everything."

A shaky whimper pulled past his lips, morphing part of the way into a moan as he shuddered again clawing at Sam's back almost desperately.

The tingling of his nerves, of his lips, setting little shocks through him each time Sam's lips touched his neck.

"You took the words outta my mouth, Sammy... was gonna say that... that anything you want from me, you can have it."

_Owe you everything, anyway, and I don't think you'd ask for anything too unreasonable or anything I wouldn't happily give because... I want it too._

Sam smiled, just pressing his lips to Peter's skin where ever he could. 

All he wanted right now was just this, hands wandering up Peter's shirt, running his fingers along his ribs, no longer feeling the defined bones. He hummed, just touching and kissing lazily, feeling his eyes slipping shut, falling asleep. 

He'd had too much to drink. Far too much to ask anything from Peter for now, too much that would make him feel even more guilty.

The touches and kisses, it was all so much, working him up beneath Sam like this. He wriggled beneath the other man, still heavier by far because of sheer muscle mass. He, surprisingly, wasn't crushing Peter, though. The solid weight of him was comforting and exciting, if distracting.

The movie had long since rolled credits and restarted itsel, making its second run through as they fondled one another.

As he sucked a mark on Peter's throat, just above his collar, he wondered if this was why the other man had enjoyed licking him. 

He rolled his hips against him again, wanting to hear that sound. "Feels so good under me here, Higgs..." he whispered, letting his fingers reach up, teasing against his nipples.

Peter's back arched, but his breathing and his heart froze, blinking a few times as he felt the angry burn of tar in his eyes.  
"Who's... who's Higgs...?" He breathed, biting the inside of his cheek.

Things had been going so damn well – Sam had been touching him, teasing him, wanting him, and now.... Whoever this Higgs person was...they were lucky.

The fingers teasing at him made his stomach feel uneasy now, wanting to just be swallowed into the couch forever.

 _Higgs.  
**Higgs.**_  
He wished he could be this Higgs person... Wished all this could have been real instead....

"Shh..." Sam whispered, letting his hand trail along his stomach. "Don't worry about it right now." He breathed, working his way up Higgs' jaw, going back up to his mouth, licking against his lips.

He felt tears slip down his cheeks, unable to keep them held back.  
So, he was just being used. He probably wasn't even looking better like Sam said, he was probably just too intoxicated to give a shit.  
He was only seeing whoever the hell Higgs was, and was acting on that, Peter just here as the stand-in, unlucky enough to be trapped in the middle and used.

He pressed himself back into the couch, trying to pull away from Sam a bit more.

"I... I can't... I think I need to go to bed."

_I just need to get away from you...._

Sam groaned, pressing himself against Peter. "Noo... feels so good... please." He kept his mouth moving along his skin, rolling his hips against him to try and convince him to keep at it. 

He didn't want to stop yet and he didn't understand the sudden change.

Peter bit his trembling lips, hearing a soft pathetic whimper pass from him as he pressed himself back into the couch.

He could just.... take it, because despite everything, he did still owe Sam a great debt.

As further tears slipped down his cheeks, Peter nodded, closing his eyes as he stopped fighting, letting Sam move against him, trying not to enjoy it.  
Despite knowing it wasn't – any of it – for him, Sam made him feel extremely good...

Sam hummed, just kissing and rocking himself against Peter, not really looking to achieve anything, eventually just falling asleep on top of him. 

He rested his head on the man's chest, listening to his heart beating strong in his chest.

When he was sure that Sam was out, Peter let himself sob quietly, burying his face against Sam's shoulder to muffle the sound.  
He felt dirty somehow, for enjoying something that wasn't really meant for him.

Sam woke still on top of Peter, his head aching quite a bit. He tried to remember what he'd done and hummed, pushing a soft kiss to his jaw. 

He got himself up, a little embarrassed about his actions, knowing he'd have to apologize. Even Lou was giving him dirty looks from her pen. 

What did he do? He stumbled into the kitchen to make breakfast for them.

When Peter felt Sam stir on top of him, he pretended to be asleep, to be so deeply in sleep that he wasn't disturbed by Sam moving, kissing his jaw and leaving. Only when he heard movement in the kitchen did he dare to stir, opening his eyes and catching a look with Lou.  
He sighed, running a hand over his face as he shook his head.

He should run. While Sam was distracted and making noises in the other room, he should run and never look back.  
Carefully he got up, making sure not to make a sound as he moved over to Lou's pen to scoop her up, kiss her head and set her back down gently.

"I'm sorry princess... I can't stay anymore..."

Lou clung to him, understanding what he was saying, fussing just a little, not sure if she wanted to get Sam's attention. 

Sam still moved about the kitchen, holding his head as he went. He regretted drinking so much.

Furrowing his brow a bit, he smiled at her sadly, giving her forehead another soft kiss. "I wish I could explain it to you, monkey..." he murmured softly, nuzzling their noses together before setting her down again, managing to wiggle his way free from her strong little grip.  
"But I just can't stay..."

_Your daddy doesn't want me, anyway, just needs me as a stand in or... or something and I can't–_

He sighed, shaking his head a little before hurrying his way to the door, slipping out quietly. He felt like he could make a graceful and quiet escape...

...completely forgetting about the scanners and what Sam had told him about his collar.

As soon as his foot moved passed the scanner, an alarm went off in the house and an automatic heavy shock pulse shot through the collar that was tight around his neck. He dropped like a brick, a loud shout pulling from him before his jaw locked up, his body seizing on the ground just inside the scanner ring.

Sam heard the alerts, grabbing his BOLA and hurried out to where someone had tried to pass. 

"Dammit Peter!" He growled, tossing it to the side and grabbing him. "What the fuck were you thinking?" He shouted, pulling him to the side, rubbing his shoulders, trying to soothe the pain, and his own nerves.

Peter's body was still lightly spasming on the ground, even as Sam rubbed at his shoulders to alleviate some of that. His jaw was still clenched, his teeth pressed together as pained groans slipped past his throat.

"Can't– can't– c-ca-can't stay..."

"Of course you can, you idiot. You ain't even got anywhere else to go." Sam huffed, trying to work at Peter's muscles. 

He shook his head, picking the other man up, starting to carry him back to the house.

"What the fuck were you even thinking?" He sighed, asking again as he set him down on the couch, Lou crying in her pen, reaching for Peter.

Letting his eyes slip closed, Peter felt aftershocks jolt through his limbs, releasing the lockdown that had gone on in his own body. He rubbed gingerly at his jaw, glaring lightly in Sam's direction.

"Was thinkin I don't wanna be some replacement for this.... this _'Higgs'_ guy you called me last night when you were kissin me and pushin me into the couch," he said gruffly, still rubbing at his jaw to ease the tension and loosen his muscles back up.

He glanced to the little crying baby, opening her pen to pick her up and hold her.  
"Shhh... princess, s'alright... no need for them crocodile tears little bug."

Sam blinked, not realizing he'd called him that. That he'd still been thinking of him as that. "Aw fuck..." he sighed, letting himself sit down on the couch. 

"Shit. I'm a fucking moron." He looked over to Peter soothing Lou, she was grabbing at him and holding on to him so tight. He must have said goodbye to her before his idiot attempt at escape. 

"Is it enough to tell you that it isn't something you should worry about? That you're not at all a replacement of him?" He asked, resting his elbows on his knees, face in his hands. "That you're better than he ever could have dreamed of being? Is that enough?"

Peter nuzzled his nose against the little baby's, gently brushing his thumb against her chubby little cheeks to brush away her tears as he whispered sweet things to her, quieting and soothing her, apologizing for being a big dummy and trying to leave her.  
"Won't do it again princess, m'sorry," he murmured, picking his head up a bit to listen to Sam, to give him the sense that he was acknowledging his words.

"....it can't happen again," he breathed, cradling Lou to his chest, rocking her and himself, comforting the both of them. "You can't– if you get drunk like that again, I'm not letting you touch me. I'll lock myself in the damn bathroom if I gotta, but I can't... I'm not gonna be some replacement lover or whatever. I'll stay, because I have to, and because if I tried to leave again, Lou here would cry again and I ain't puttin her through that."

 _I need time away from you,_ he doesn't say. Can't say.  
He still... he still has these underlying feelings for Sam. He enjoyed the way Sam touched him last night, his lips against his skin, the rough of his beard scratchy against his sensitive skin.

...but he feels this coldness in his chest, too, this ball of upset that buried itself in his heart.

"I wish I could just tell you..." Sam sighed heavily, rubbing roughly at his face. 

"What's the new boundaries then? I'm sure you have some." He looked over to Peter, feeling even more ashamed of himself. 

When he finally got what he'd wanted, it had been his own stupid fault he lost it. He could cry. But telling Peter could ruin everything.

"You can drink if you want, I won't ask you to stop doing that, but if you get drunk, you're not allowed to touch me," he said firmly, giving Lou's little cooing form a gentle squeeze hug in his arms, his body finally relaxing again from the shock it took.  
"I... I need a little time, to figure things out in my head, before I think we should be close like that again..." he added, feeling like he was punishing himself by saying it. "I liked... I liked feeling you pressed against me, I liked you... kissing me. But I... those feelings are all tangled in this big negative feeling because of this _'Higgs'_ thing, and I just... I need some time."

Sam nodded, understanding why, wishing he could just explain himself. "Ok. We'll take things at your pace." He agreed, feeling like he could just rip his hair out. 

It was so frustrating. Peter thought there was another man but it was just him. 

"I'll sleep down here on the couch. You get the bed. I'm the one in the wrong." He agreed, looking Peter over. 

"Can I agree to tell you someday? But right now I just want you to know that you're the one I was talking about. You're beautiful to me."

Swallowing heavily, Peter clenched his jaw, unintentionally giving Lou another squeeze, loosening his grip when she got a little fussy because of the grip. With a whispered 'sorry, princess,' he sighed and rested his chin on her head.

"I would hope that you'd tell me when you're ready. Whatever it is, Sam, I'm sure I can handle it if we talk it out," he murmured, feeling a warmth in his cheeks and creeping down his neck. "Still think you need your eyes checked, though... ain't beautiful..."

"When was the last time you looked?" Sam asked, shaking his head. "You're good with her. You're good to me." He smiled at him sadly. 

"And I'm glad you're here." He sighed, wondering how he could fix this.

"...last time I looked in the mirror was back when I was still throwing up all the time..." he murmured honestly, bouncing Lou on his lap. "Back when this little princess wouldn't even let me anywhere near her."

But now, she got upset when he had left her behind. When he tried to leave the both of them...

"...I'm sorry I tried to leave," he murmured, not as honest as his other statement. He wasn't sorry he tried, he was sorry he failed.

"I'm glad you couldn't leave..." Sam mumbled honestly, looking at his feet. 

"I like you here. I like your company, I want to stay here. Lou loves you, please don't go... I promise if I could tell you about Higgs, I would."

"...why _can't_ you tell me about him, though...?" He asked quietly, chewing his lower lip as he rubbed Lou's head gently. "Is it... is it something to do with my past and that's why–?"

"Its just not a good idea." Sam shook his head, looking at him with pleading eyes. "Please... please don't ask me anymore about Higgs. I'm begging you."

"Don't mention him and I won't ask about him," he replied coolly, scooping Lou up as he stood, feeling steady on his feet again now that all the aftershocks had gone away from his body.  
"He's forgotten," Peter added, turning his attention to Lou, smiling almost instantly at her.  
"Want to go play outside for a little while, princess?"

Sam sat on the couch, letting Peter go back out. He'd tried to do something good. He remembered kissing Peter, wishing he could have that again and now he'd just made Peter feel so much worse. 

He wanted to throw something, to go for a delivery, anything. Instead he curled up on the couch, just laying there, feeling restless and drained. He felt alone.

Once outside, Peter set up a nice little area for him and Lou to play and enjoy the outdoors, but the little baby girl kept getting fussy and looking towards the house. She would whine and make grabby hands at the house and then look up to Peter expectedly.

With a heavy sigh, Peter scooped her up after a while of this, nodding. "Alright monkey, alright. I get what you want, and we'll go in and make sure your daddy is okay," he hummed, carrying her back into the house to find Sam laying there on the couch still.

"...Sam...?"

Sam was half in and half out of consciousness, just kind of staring in the middle distance thinking about everything he's fucked up. Everything that's happened to him, around him, because of him... he was starting to think it was very possible that he didn't deserve nice things. Didn't deserve to be happy.

That it was only a matter of time before something happened to Peter or Lou. 

He couldn't live with himself if something happened to Lou because of him.

Lou grabbed Peter's face, looking at him very seriously before releasing his face and pointing towards Sam.  
With a soft grumble, the man nodded, setting the baby into the pen and moved over to Sam, kneeling beside him, brushing the man's hair out of his face.

"Sam... earth to Sam... ground control to Sammy boy."

Sam blinked a few times, coming back to reality, looking over to Peter. "Hmm...?"

Peter smiled, tilting his head a bit. "Welcome back, Major Tom," he teased lightly, unsure where the reference came from, but it felt right somehow. "...you've got that look on your face, like you were far away and thinkin some real bad shit. Crinkles your forehead right here," he poked Sam right in the middle of his forehead, smiling.

Some playful part of him seemed to be coming back.

Sam looked up at Peter, feeling a little worse but forcing himself to smile at him. "I'm..." he thought about it for a moment, not sure what he was. 

"I'm fine." He settled on with a heavy sigh. He felt an ache settle in his muscles, wondering if Peter would forgive him. Let him back in.

He deflated a little, sitting back on his legs. "You don't gotta pretend for me, Sam. We had a bad day – shit happens. We just gotta move past it and get back on track to where we were, yeah?" He reached up, hesitating his hand near Sam's, wanting to touch, to hold, but backing out last second, not wanting to force touch on the other man.

"S'okay to not be fine. To be upset or whatever it is you need to feel."

Sam felt cold when Peter pulled away from his touch. It spread through him, feeling like he could suffocate in the feeling. 

He curled a little tighter, looking for warmth in his own body, quietly nodding. "Yeah... I'm still sorry."

"I know. And... I appreciate that," he replied, heaving a sigh when he noticed Sam pull back into himself, curl away.

Maybe this was all going to be harder than he thought... They both were hurting, for different reasons and neither could fully explain to the other what was going on.

What a mess...

"Look... I'm gonna make dinner tonight, okay? Give you a break from makin. Spend some time with Lou, too – she missed you when you were gone on your long retrieval mission."

He was careful to place his hand on Sam's pants, and not his skin, as he gave the man's leg a gentle squeeze.

"Rest, today. Rest and play with your daughter. I'll do the cleaning and cooking today."

Sam nodded, not moving just yet. He felt heavy when he finally did, just getting up and watching Lou play with her things in her pen. 

Part of him was afraid to touch her again. Afraid of the things he'd loved. 

There was only one way to find out if she was safe, that nothing would take her. The thought itself made him sick to think. He got up, moving away from her, turning on one of her shows and going back to sit in front of the couch. 

He wondered if this was part of a plan. His whole life seemed to be none of his own. Every little thing in it was planned, orchestrated for him to become who he was. 

He couldn't help but start to wonder what he would lose next and for what purpose. Wasn't Amelie done with her games?

Peter moved away from Sam, busying himself around the house with cleaning. In passing, he caught his reflection in the mirror, and slowly he returned to the reflection, edging himself back into it.

His skin wasn't nearly as pale – a little sunkissed now from all his time out with Lou in the yard. His eyes weren't as sunken, didn't have as dark of rings under them now. His ice blue eyes stood out all the same, piercing and bright. His hair was healthier, and certainly growing a bit long, like Sam's. He touched his fingertips to the collar around his neck, furrowing his brow slightly.

Maybe... Maybe Sam wasn't so wrong... he didn't look as awful anymore, so maybe he could be beautiful, maybe he could look good, now that he wasn't the walking embodiment of Death, personified.

A small smile tugged at his lips before he pulled himself away from the mirror, going back to doing his cleaning.

_'Sam? Sam can you hear me? It's Deadman.'_

**Author's Note:**

> More soon~♡


End file.
